“I hold it true, whatever befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

EROSION

Was I to know that would befall was emptiness of any emotion?

perhaps it would have been better to never have loved

but it matters not, as emotions are absent from me now completely

as absent as he has become to my life and my heart

I feel neither sorrow nor joy, I feel not the absence of love

I merely acknowledge it as a fact, and a curiosity to me now

Spring has arrived and cool winds blow as the rain begins to fall

seasons may change but my heart remains the same, unfeeling as it has been, it remains

this expected change awakens my thoughts but nothing else

my heart is latent my emotions are docile

I have neither cried nor rejoiced in ages

And now as spring arrives and brings with it neither sadness nor fury

It awakens me to the apathy that is within my very heart

to pretended passions where nothing remains

to depths once searched, and longed for and loved

it is a curious emotional state, an abstract soul

And so spring arrives comes to neither thunderous applause nor a weaning spirit

but merely comes and is acknowledged, already fully weaned of emotion

days flow into each other seamlessly

each different in theory but not noticeable enough to invoke a heart to feel

as to enliven the spirit

Perhaps an effort could or should be made

to encounter that which once loved, entertained, feared, and sang

Effort would necessitate desire and motive for a result

and there is none to be had here

Quietly spring arrives to nothingness in my heart.

I disagree Lord Tennyson, 'tis better to never have loved at all

Then perhaps hope and desire would remain.

For once the heart is killed so deeply, it cannot again revive

Tut tut, it matters not, I do not desire a heart that could break.

Tut, tut it looks like rain.

Thursdayness is next to Fridayness

I know that it is supposed to be cleanliness and Godliness, but I'm a messy person anyway, so I shanged it to suit me better. I always thought it was just a mean way to get kids to clean their room..."you're not holy if you are messy!" " the devil loves dirty" " being dirty makes the baby Jesus cry!" But I guess it could be about souls be clean or something profound like that. Actually I was just trying to come up with a clever blog title, which has once again eluded me. I quit.
The point is that today is Thursday and its really my mental 'Friday' because in the nature of the Youth Minsitry/DRE game you work every Sunday. So, I have off on Fridays instead. So, in reality this means one thing. I need to get things done today and I start freaking out around um, 4:24 pm, like right now, because I'm not done, which means coming in either earlier on Sunday or not taking tomorrow 'off'. I wino n Sundays because even thoughI work, In inside the church and not in an office, so I feel pretty good about that, its like I've cheated the system somehow. But I think that may be part of why I do what I do. I did the office thing and hated it. I hate office time. The whole office thing just seems so small, like 'petty' small and now that I'm out int he world most of the time rather than in an office, I honestly don't know how I ever lasted three years in one.
Here I wear jeans to work, I'm teh 'director', I make my own schedule, I go to Peru, I go on retreats and ski trips, I make kids do plays and sing songs, I tell peopel about Jesus, I'm in a band and I hang out with teenagers for money. Okay that last part sounds sketchy, but its not as bad when you call it "Relational Ministry"
Example, like yesterday, i recruited help and had a field trip. I am leaving for Peru in one week and I have a ton of things for the orphans that needed to be packaged and...dunt dunt dunnnn, enter four teenagers. So After a two and half hour meeting (argggghhh but necessary for planning/business/'adult annie' responsibilities) bethany and I went to the high school to pick up Elissa, Joe and Dom. We went to Branford to look for guitars (not business related) but the guy was way weird and the store kind of sucked a LOT, and then we went on to Job Lot for boxes for Peru. I don't even want to begin, and I can't remember some of it because my head still hurts, to get into what happened in that store...but about forty minutes later we exited with six boxes, four hundred envelopes, 2 rolls of (not enough as it turned out) packaging tape and a lot of candy that had to be kept away from Bethany so the peanuts didn't kill her. I think someone said something like, "Wow butterfingers for 25 cents!!! Those are like a dollar in the real world!!!!" But I can't remeber who because I was trying to find the exit, which turned out to be quite ellusive. I enjoyed that comment though, because it was funny. Adn teenagers in Job Lot is never short on the funny.

And basically, these teens are funny and fun to be around.

After Job Lot, we returned to my office, and we started sorting through and packing stuff for my trip and it was loud and funny and kind of ridiculously crowded and loud with people and 'stuff'.
Afterwards, Dom and Bethany and I went to Chips for dinner and that was pretty much my life from 10 am until 7:00pm yeseterday.

And I'm glad I didn't and that I don't sit at a desk pushing paper all day, and that I do these type of things instead, because it was fun, it keeps me sane, and it means something. If you look past the ridiculousness (and belive me this is just one tiny glimpse of ridiculousness that IS my everyday life) of what we were doing, and look instead at why we were doing it...its pretty amazing. Its amazing that teens today would take the time to pack boxes of clothes and toys for orphans in South America. And that gives me hope for the future, for the present, for our church and for the world.

And its almost Friday now, which is really my Saturday :) YAY

And we have band practice in three hours, so I'm going to try and get some things done before that time arrives.

And I'm going into NYC on Saturday night to Catholic Underground, which should be cool. They ahva cajun band playing this month, should be interesting.

"joy.... and joyness"

I feel so happy and I feel like this is just a time of year that I want to spread as much joy as much as possible.

I'm not materialistic but I like to give as many gifts as i can think of, personal and meaningful in some way, just to spread love and joy, not about 'stuff' or the evil wal*mart...

I know I sound incredibly niave or childish, but Christ calls us to have the faith of a child..and I think in general, we see that childlike spirit of joy, hope, and love more at this time of year than any other..and that makes me even more joyful right now.

"God Bless us, everyone!"

and I love love love Linus in Charlie Brown Christmas, its just the best ever.

And for me this year, even just feeling this happy or excited or whatever... feels like a miracle in and of itself...so yay for mirales.

and in three days, "A Christmas Story" will run for 24 hours straight which is AMAZING...

"I can't put my arms down!!!"

okay thats it...


"Now Harry, Sam, Have a lot of fun!"

"Humankind cannot bear very much reality"- T.S. Eliot

Sometimes I wish that life were easier, but if it were I wouldn't know that it was, so screw that.
Adversity has forced me to either become a stronger person or give up on life. Giving up on life is boring and pathetic so I guess I've hit the spiritual gym. I should probably stop self-analyzing long enough to hit the real gym, but that is what tomorrow is for.

Its funny that I realized I needed to get a better game face for life by watching movies. I watched an amazing movie, "Return of the King" and a really cool movie, "Constantine" this past weekend. And in the midst of my apathetic little excursion into television I realized something. That I always cry when Frodo gets on that boat at the end and leaves The Shire and Samwise and everything he fought for, not only because of how touching it is or how awesome the musical score is, or even the nostalgia for the first time I read the book and cried, but more deeply, because if it were me I wouldn't want to go and because its not fair. Heroic, amazingly poetic and profound, but not fair.

Then I was angry because they cut out the credits and Annie Lennox singing 'Into the West' and then I watched Constantine.

I had heard good things about this movie but had not seen it before. And aside from a few theological issues with Catholic Church teaching, it was pretty spot on. I mean I'm not sure about Lucifer's tattoos or Gabriel being such a dirt bag, but other than that, yeah, it was cool.
There were three quotes that stuck out to me. The first was, "You KNOW, you don't believe, there is a difference". Sometimes I wonder if I would have faith in everything if not for the things I have witnessed and experienced. The second is "God I know I'm not your favorite person right now, and that I'm not welcome in your house. But I could really use some attention." I have felt that way so often lately, so it really spoke to me, even if it was in Keanu Reeves' voice. The third quote was, "Its definitely mostly not about the girl." That one brought me back to the whole 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' thing, which I still debate with myself over. I've only ever been in love once and I think I would rather not have loved actually, but whatever that was years ago. Anyway, those lines really got my attention, because I've been dying to go head to head with the Big Guy lately over how unfair things have been recently. SPOILER ALERT, Constantine doesn't die, although he is willing to. But he doesn't get the girl either, because his mission, his focus, and his desires are so far beyond the temporal things of normal human nature, they transcend giving into our own desires and wants and enter into that realm of 'greater good', 'self-sacrifice' and heroism...

So I was thinking about why the unfairness thing agitates my soul so greatly, and why I've been a completely resistant servant lately when God is trying to call me to step up my game and take my 'yes' to a new level. And it is one thing when things are unfair for someone else, even a literary character like Frodo or a 'movie star' like Keanu Reeves. And its another when you have to make the choice to put yourself in that position and make those real sacrifices that effect the rest of your own life, not knowing if it will end up in your favor.
I was talking to my friend Chris Ortega about all of this and he said the following, "But if the sacrifices you make don't hurt, and you don't feel the pain of your choices and decisions in your life that you give to God, then they are not real."

So for Frodo I cry in sympathy and also thanksgiving that its not me. And for Constantine I feel more like what happens to him sucks, he does all that and still ends up with the short end pretty much. And for me, I decide to go head to head with God about everything that I'm pissed about...and of course I lose, because he is God. And now I'm trying to deal with the whole sacrifice thing on a real level of selflessness rather than self pity.

Its like I feel like I've earned some secret right, just by believing and serving God, to not have things turn to crap, to feel entitled to find love and to be happy and healthy and be making a huge difference in the world. But that is not necessarily true, and if I REALLY believe, than I have to accept the fact that maybe it is not going to be okay. And therein lies the reference to the T.S. Eliot quote, "Humankind cannot bear very much reality" and I couldn't before, and maybe I still can't but at least I'm aware of it now. And I find it slightly ironic that I found this out by escaping from reality by watching television, which I vow to do less of in the future.
Oh, and of course these are merely observations, I am in no way comparing my life or sacrifices to those of Frodo...though it would be bitchingly cool to be John Constantine, minus the lung cancer...and being Keanu Reeves, and a man...