Lamentable Day ...sad June

Boys are crazy...not getting into it...

So I'm here at my desk on an ABSOLUTELY gorgeous day and making all of the final arrangements for the Peru Mission trip and hand writing luggage tags for all of the extra bags of clothes and supplies that will be going down there with the group next week. This will be the first time since these trips started 3 years ago, that I won't be joining the group. I know it is for the best and I need to get better and deal with this stupid disease right now, but part of my soul is so depressed...to not see those faces of the orphans, to not be in the mountains of Peru in June...I don't know what to do with myself...Digging ditches is my specialty. i will miss the comradarie within the group, especially the teens that go for this life changing experience. I have made so many lifelong friends, American and Peruvian...and even Austrailian and Croatian aquantainces along the way...thank goodness for Facebook to keep in touch!!!
I will miss the long walks in the Plaza de Armas at night when it is all lit up, and the ruins of Macchu Picchu. I will miss the masses in the hotel and at the orphange. I will miss the Maximo Nivel staff and seeing my friends Paul, Irina, Heidi, Eliza, Ramone, Alcides, and Vanessa. I will even miss bargaining with the shop keepers at the artisenal and 'sketchy mart'. But mostly I will miss the children at Azul Wasi orphanage in Orapesa. That place holds such a place in my heart. I am forever changed for having worked and lived there the past few summers.
Fr. Michael said, "You can bring your medicine and we can check with more doctors if you still want to come." But I know I have to stay home this time. My ticket CAN be used in the future and I need to be at least at half strength when we go to Steubenville in July for the teen conference.

So, to avoid feeling sad about not being where the action is...I am making a list of things I will NOT miss about this trip.
1. the 29 hour travel days there and back
2. the lost luggage
3. the travel clinic with used needles, exploding space heaters, and thinking I am going to die in South America
4. the Altitude
5. Cuy for dinner (roast guinea pig)
6. the smell of roasting llama
7. getting stuff lifted by grifters
8. taxi drivers of death
9. the smell on the bus
10. the smell at the llama farm
11. cold showers or no showers
12. spending money
13. teenagers misbehaving :(
14. no sleep


Ah well though...I still wish I was going....

Life Support

Every Month Life Teen International sends out Life Support boxes to all Life Teen youth Minsiters in over 134 countries...

They help us plan our years...they include curriculum guides, magazines, Liturgical guides, copies of teachings, books, DVDs with clips that fit into the teachings and support you during your meetings...and always..something silly ridiculous really and a usually a few CDs of the most recent music that is out...

Life Support Box day is always exciting :) :) at least for me...it helps me feel connected to something greater going on within this ministry worldwide that I am a tiny part of when it comes to the big picture..and everyone loves free stuff...Well the church pays for it..but the music goes on my mp3 :) :)

Last Quarter was a pretty good box..the toy was a fold up Frisbee type thing that says HEROIC VIRTUE on it when you open it up...its been flung around my office many times...

This month's toy is so bizarre and I love it and have had much fun so far...it is this yellow ball and when you open it up there is a white board inside...a pen sticks into the ball and there is an eraser on the end...basically you can write a message..close the ball reinsert the pen...and throw your note across the room...YAY

That explanation is silly...look at the pictures...








I also got the new Chris Tomlin album..he is one of my favorite Christian Musicians...and I just downloaded the sheet music to play this song, "I Will Rise" for this coming Sunday's Baccalaureate Mass :)


Basically- Today was my first day back to work in a while..like really on full steam...and "Life Support" was needed and arrived :)

Sometimes God isn't so subtle...sometimes he just bangs you over the head with what you need :)

life in a postcard

This picture is a little cloudy because it is from my camera phone and taken through a dirty window...but it was gorgeous to behold.


I'm on the ferry from Orient Point to New London, and the sky is so bright it looks like a backdrop from the musical "Oklahoma". Puffy white clouds that belong on postcard are floating by over the dark blue green water with Long Island slowly fading away in the background and Plum Island in all its glory in my window.

A few sails spring up here and there and the sunshine through the clouds reflects off the gentle waves. The diesel engine on Cape Henelopen is making a lot of noise, as are the dogs being held in the laps of Lexus and Escalade owners. There is a man right outside my open window smoking a cigarette, and he has many earrings and tattoos. I read the NY Post and talked on the phone a bit. Its a little too chilly to ride up top today. And little Timmy is running rampant up there anyway, disturbing an otherwise peaceful experience.

The surface of this picture perfect Sunday is gorgeous, a true postcard image. The reality inside of the picture is less abstract, more subjective. I have ridden this ferry hundreds of times, today is little different bearing in mind the fact that I am writing on a laptop, no doubt the object of someones scorn for being immersed in the world even on a beautiful boat ride, unable to tear myself from technology.

I find my mind drifting to the sailboats on the water, the peace they must afford to those sailing them, then it drifts further to awe at the majesty of the sky, then to judgement of fellow passengers. This last of which is one that I hope to be of short duration as I, in general, attempt not to dwell on these feelings.

This boat, the Cape Henelopen, landed on the beaches of Normandy in 1944. We are just a week past the 65th anniversary. Any feelings of sullenness vanish whenever I think of this fact. My mind drifts to the English Channel so many years ago, to the young men who walked on these same floors I now walk. The fear and courage and anxiety they must have felt boggles my mind. So many of them never came home from the shores of France.

Connecticut is beginning to loom a bit larger in my window and my mind drifts back to reality. I have to be at the church by 4:00 pm in order to set up the band for mass and tune my guitar and practice a bit. My voice is finally back to normal which is a relief.

People sometimes ask if I am ever going to record, or if I have recorded. Like its just that easy to decide. As if you just wake up one day and think, "I'm going to record" As if it doesn't take money and connections and every ounce of free time you could imagine. I doubt I will ever record, or that in reality, I am good enough to do so. I am just about good enough to do exactly what I do, which is play and sing for Sunday Mass and open mic nights.

I think I'm far too retrospective today. I vowed to myself that when I had this time off this week to recuperate, that I would write a chapter a day for my book, but I never did. I wonder now if I have the stamina, originality, command of language, and talent to finish that project.

Everyday life and work in Connecticut often seems much like just the passage of time. Although very often enjoyable, it leaves no lasting mark on me, or I think, on the world. I want to see and do and write of great and wonderful things that provoke thought and excitement, that lack the banality I see all around me, that capture the glory of God in the human experience. I seem to want it just enough to be dissatisfied with anything less, but not enough to seriously do anything about it.

I haven't written anything in over a month because I had been ill again, and also because I could not think of anything of substance in what I was doing that was worthy of being written about. Now I have had too much time with my own thoughts. And inside of my postcard image Sunday, I have found a bit of a voice, albeit a critical and tortured one.

Two weeks ago, Chris spent three extra days of his research time with me to take me to the doctor and get my medicine. I know he would have rather been somewhere else, and perhaps was influenced by unnecessary guilt after a senseless outburst of irrational tears on my part when I asked him what time it was, and he kept saying 8 o'clock. Apparently I didn't think it was 8 o'clock, or didn't like that time, all I do know is that I broke down uncontrolably and told him to leave me alone. Sitting in a waiting room at a walk in clinic in Riverhead, now that is love and dedication. I am thankful for his patience.

I still feel ill, I will get my test results tomorrow, and I feel very alone right now. Alone with my pedantic thoughts and immature musings. I have not prayed nearly enough lately, although I know very well it is the only thing that keeps me sane. I hope that tonight's mass will be a peaceful one, where the music can add to the transcendental and I can find that place of meditation and rest within the miracle of transubstantiation. Today is the Feast of the Body and Blood of Christ (Corpus Christi). That one sacramental miracle brings so much meaning to everything else in my life. Anyone that can love that much, to not only pour out every last drop of love on the cross, but then in turn also deem to be humble enough to stay locked up in lonely tabernacles for all eternity and to be an omnipotent presence at over 500,000 Eucharistic celebrations every day breaks my heart and rebuilds it in love. Any selfish or judgemental thought vanishes in the mere thought of that miraculous event. And when I receive him, I feel as if I am in heaven and nothing can touch me in the moments following, not sarcasm, not triteness, not self-pity or self-loathing, not pride, not judgement of others, or even of society. In that moment, all is completely right with the world. Its what I dream heaven will be like.

I'm sure heaven is going to be far better than a ferry or a sail boat, whose sailors no doubt have problems of a whole other realm and stream of consciousness than my own. I'm sure many of the boys from the shores of France are now present in the glory of heaven. And that eternity awaits us all, if we can manage not to get in our own way along the journey there.

But the jury is still out on the lap dogs, personally I doubt they get to go there.

Another Star Trek thing :)

I've been very disappointed in SNL for the past like...oh 10 years...but this was pretty classic. I am in love with Leonard Nimoy.

New Star Trek- no spoilers

I truly enjoyed the movie...of course there were things that were over the top and cheezy...but isn;t he entire premise the same?!

I think it did its job, because I came away wanting to see it again...and also wanting to watch Star Trek II and III and old episodeso f the original series adn the next generation.

It has made tons of money and will make more...which means...more sequels...prequels etc...its left open for that in an interesting way...

I liked it more than I thought I would



Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

I have no idea what to do with my Mondays....and I like that fact

Thankfully, the Religious Education year has come to an end. Since September I have worked until 8 pm on Monday evenings. We have back to back sessions, K-5 and 6-8. We sing, we learn the week's patron saint, we have great volunteers. I teach a lot of pre-teens about the meaning of respect (for teachers, for the church, for their peers) which they apparently have never heard of before. We have 3 rules: respect, equality and investment...foreign concepts these days, you would think we are speaking in ancient Greek...

But, its all over until next September and tonight is my first free Monday in 9 months and I'm not sure what to do...do I go home? the laundromat? the bank? I made an appointment to get my haircut tomorrow, something I have not done in over a year. I was going to go to the DMV as my license expires next Monday, but they are closed.

I feel strangely free, and its a little exhilarating. It's not completely over yet, We still have two more first communion masses next weekend and the Steubenville East Summer Retreat to organize.

Susan says to me today, "Want to make the First Communion certificates tonight?" good idea, to get ahead of ourselves a bit at a time we are used to working already. And now this plan has turned into watching Twilight on the big movie screen with the awesome speakers in the Visitation Hall with some friends while we have dinner and work on the certificates...I can't think of a much better Monday, except maybe not working at all and going to see Star Trek, but I can do that later in the week.

And it will get my mind off the fact that I am unable to watch the Met games when in CT...

The Mets have won seven straight games and are in first place, not getting comfy but it sure feels good to be a Met fan...

And it sure feels good, to be winding down for the summer here at church :)

And I went for a hike this morning and did some sketching and took some pictures.

'Chatfeild Hollow' is this gorgeous state park nearby with awesome trails and rivers and boulders.

Relaxation is my favorite.

here are some shots from Chatfeild today:

Christian Rock and Band Practice

I feel so excited today and I'm not really completely sure why. I think part of it is that I'm happy to be seeing my family tomorrow and we're all going to Citi Field tomorrow! And another part is that I feel finally like I'm definitely out of the little funk I've been in for the past few months...must be springtime :)

I started listening to really uplifting Christian music and realized that now that I'm alone leading the Life Teen Band, I have a lot of responsibilities, but also a lot of creative freedom of what songs to have the band play during the liturgy.
Often when there were other adults in the band, they wouldn't be able to come to practices. I would teach the teens these songs and we would play them on Thursday but on Sunday we would have the same rotation of 7-8 songs that the rest of the band knew by heart and had been playing for the last 9 years. not there was anything wrong with that, but part of the point of having contemporary music at a liturgy geared towards teens, is keeping it current. Not many teens enjoy Christian 'rock' (and I use the term loosely) to begin with, so playing Christian rock from 1999...not a good place to be creatively.

I've been to busy with confirmation and first communion and being sick that I have just been keeping afloat with the status quo with the music since I took over completely three months ago. But, tonight at practice I'm excited to teach the kids songs I learned at the Music conference in Arizona last year. They are a year old, but on the top 100, and brand new to us...and bonus...I can actually play them :)!!!

Now I know Christian Rock isn't for a lot of people and I know that musically it is not anything outrageously original or special or even requiring much talent...most of the lyrics are taken from the bible not written by these artists...

But what you need to know about this type of music is that is comes from a place in which the people who are writing it know that semi talented music ministers all over the world will need to be able to do decent covers to lead worship. Christian Rock to me is really 'worship' music, but then you get into a gray area where its like 'gospel' or 'worship' or 'mainstream' and each person categorizes those differently. Yes, there will be many cheezy guitar solos and synthesizers, and over 50 million G-C-D-EM chord progressions, but when you go to a conference and you see 3500 teens singing along and its not about drugs or sex...

Well, in my opinion, there is something to be said for that in today's society.

So, my weakness is Christian Rock, not all of it, definitely not all of it. But, I DO definitely have my favorite songs that reveal a none to great musical talent, which I feel if I look to a value in it deeper than 'the music'...look to its benefits for my ministry and my ability to play it with my band at my church and for the thousands of other music ministers out there doing the same thing. IT is then that I see a value in it.

And also there is a different between Christian Rock that is appropriate for liturgies or leading worship and the kind that actual Christian Rock bands like Relient K, Thousand Foot Crutch, Five Iron Frenzy, Jars of Clay, POD, Switchfoot, or Third Day perform. Many of these Christian Rock bands have had much mainstream and commercial success. This is a whole other arena than what I am talking about for my little band or other churches, at least Catholic ones. You will never hear "Meant to Live" or "Flood" during a mass, but they were on TRL on MTV for like 10 weeks...I kind of stop listening to a Christian band when they get too popular because they usually are not really Christian based in their lyrics anymore and have 'sold out' to an extent and I find its not longer worth listening to the "bad music just for the lyrics" Which I find ironic and funny because with most music genres its the other way around.

So my mp3 player has a mixture of music I like for the hard core classic rock that it is...and the guilty pleasure music that I listen to for the value of the message of faith it gives me. But truth be told, you definitely have to be in the mood for it. Ha ha ha...

Here are a few of the songs that I'll be playing/teaching my band tonight..give it try :)

I like this one during Easter Season....



This is one of my favorite "Happy Jesus Easter Songs" it ALWAYS cheers me up. I first heard it at the seminary in Denver in '03, its little older but new to CT... some of the lyrics make me laugh out loud...how do you feel a 'God Song' rising up in you? I have no idea...






This third one- I personally would not classify as 'rock' at all... its more of a Jesus ballad :) but when its done right, the build up is epic. I remember hearing 'Orphans of God' Played at mass by this amazing band in Arizona and it literally gave me chills...I had never heard it before and I just listened and I was so touched by it. I had just returned from Peru and missed the children from the orphanage so much so it was very powerful to hear this song at that moment.