Do you ever feel like you're right on the edge of understanding everything on a completely deeper and more comprehensive level? I'm talking like meaning of life, existence, humanity, greatness, existential thought...that kind of understanding. And it can be right there on the tip of your brain...and you kind of get euphoric for a moment because every puzzle piece in your mind is just about to fall into place and make sense in a complete and fulfilling way....and then...it is just.....gone...
This feeling is surreal when the grasp of thought is present and then suddenly absent, it feels like being half awake and not knowing if your dreaming or not. It feels as if you are not able to remember what your dream was about, except that this feeling is happening while you are wide awake, and circling around your own personal grasp on reality...
I don't know if I'm just too ADHD or perpetually anxious to be able to concentrate on any one thing long enough to phrase out my thought process, but I had a theory about this feeling that I get when I almost understand life...and then don't at all.
I think that maybe its my brain trying to force itself into the 90% that goes unused and succeeding, but only for a brief moment and then shutting down. I've always thought that probably all the true gifted genius in our world extends from some greater mental ability to tap into more of the human brain's power...I'm talking like Socrates, Aristotle, Galileo, Shakespeare, Einstein, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Descartes, Kierkegaard, that type of mental stature and artistic and mental genius...
And with that theory at work, I'm a bit more content to be utterly mentally average (perhaps above the MTV minions...but not much beyond ordinary) and I stop grasping at my elusive thoughts...because all of those true geniuses had pretty severely messed up personal lives...I mean Van Gogh cut his ear off, Freud was obsessive, if you look at these great minds - they have severe societal problems...It reminds me of a foolish Spider Man type of analogy: "With great power comes great responsibility" but more along the lines of, "With great knowledge comes great emotional instability and distress"
I guess I'll stick to my personal Status Quo- Singing songs about Jesus, getting frustrated with my petty career struggles, reading books about vampires like a stupid teenage girl, just getting through the day any way I can, spending too much time on YouTube, and sending stupid emails...
And with my comfy little insignificant status quo life will come just the plain old regular and ordinary level of dysfunction and distress, un-enlightened by any great mental ability on my part :) and I will contribute nothing great and struggle nothing great. But I will listen to Mother Theresa, "We cannot do great things, but little things with great love". So I guess I will just try to love more in what I do, and leave the rest of it to God.
But sometimes those moments of mental clarity are so beautiful...maybe there will be some semblance of that in heaven...
1 comment:
WOW, you are so deep tonight. My friend lost her son and in trying to make sense of it she said. "Maybe he was here to show how a person can have career, family and a home. He had it all and balanced it all. everyone loved him and he touched everyone he met in a special way."
Kate is playing "We Three Kings" on the piano. It is so pretty.
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