Wednesday, August 12, 2009

insomnia- secondhand serenade...

So I had a really long day and have not been able to sleep much tonight. I'm really excited to be going to Minnesota for Nikki's wedding in two days,and spend time with her adn FINALLY meet Josh adn jsut celebrate love... but I still have so much to do at work and with packing and missy's 40th birthday party today....and just all those little mundane things like trying to figure out when to visit people in the cities while I'm in St. paul..and getting rides places, and getting to the bank tomorrow..and packig, did I mention packing???

Thankfully today Elissa and I had a bit of a road trip and the dress is finally perfect for next Saturday...after the road trip I hung out with her and Rica and got my laundry done without a sketchy laundromat... YAY...

Tomorrow is absolutely INSANE and I have a meeting with Fr. Michael before I leave which I hope goes well...

I am kind of angst filled and sad that James cannot come out to the wedding with me. I am really going to miss seeing him, just having time together and missing him. It has been amazing spending the summer with him. Everything is fun, and relaxed and new and better when we are together. I never thought being in love would be like this...I feel so cliche because everyone has always said, "you will meet someone" or "when you meet the right person you will know" and I have always thought "whatever, that is stupid and NO and Oh God pleas shut them up..." but after meeting James and being in love, truly on the same page on every level with someone, and wanting to always be with them and caring about even every major as well as stupid little thing that goes on ine each others life...yeah I have happily joined the ranks of cliche. And am totally beyond crushing on my soulmate... he bought me a garment bag for my trip so my dresses don't get wrinkled...where did God find this man??? it started with the fans for teh Steubenville dorm rooms and it has not stopped...I truly believe he is the most thoughtful person ever.

Even after such a short time...we have a favorite song...its quite...something ha

Seconhand serenade "your call"

the lyrics are:

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your, what's your...)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home

I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight



Cheesy right? well I know but its 5 am and I haven't slept because of all the craziness in my brain about this trip and work - so I thought I would update and be sappy....and there are probably a lot f mistakes and idc- I am not proofing this at this hour..that would be as ridiculous as ...well as blogging at 5 am...

Thursday, July 30, 2009

July has been the craziest month of my life

July has been busy...lots of work, travel, adventure, love, and good old fashioned FUN

I feel like I've been afraid of so much and that fear is melting away...
afraid of really growing up, of dissapointing anyone, of standing up for my principles at work...but I;ve found a new strength through being faithful to God and have finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel...
It was a good idea to not go to peru, as much as it was bittersweet to miss the action, I know I can be parto fit again in the future and needed the breakt hat I took.

I met a great man and we started dating. If I had gone to Peru, I never would have really given James a chance because I would have been waaaaaayyyyy to busy...and that would not be good because he is so much fun, well that is an understatement...but yeah. He is amazingly funny, kind, smart and generous. I have never met anyone quite like him and I feel beyond blessed to have him in my life, and truly happy and looking forward to the future. Being with him makes everything more fun, and I never thought I'd meet someone who not only would be willing to go to daily mass with me and say the rosary, but enjoys it as well and wants to be there...and wants to just be with me, genuinely and honestly...so not going to Peru was a good thing!

I also have been very tired and recovering from Lyme's disease so that has been a rough road...I get so tired so easily...it can be frustrating when I want and need to do things and just can't seem to get it done...I'm not used to slowing down so it has been a lesson indeed.

Last weekend was the Steubenville conference. The chaperones were amazing, the kids were really good - innocent adn sweet for a change :) and it was just a refrshing thing to witness and be a part of. The music was absolutely incredible. I love Ben Walther...his band is so talented...This year the venue was changed from LaSalette Shrine in Attleboro, Ma to the University of RHode Island...I had my reservations chaperoning 27 kids on a college campus that I am unfamiliar with...my brothers may be eagle scouts but I could not read the map they gave us if my life depended on it...

But the dorms were a nice change from sleeping in circus tenst in the middle of thunderstorms and heat waves...and there can not be enough said about electric outlets and indoor showers!!! James got us a plug in cooler for the room so Joy Denyse, and MaryPat and I didn't have to eat the retreat food, and he also gave us little fans for our rooms...it was very thoughtful and much needed ad appreciated...

All in all the weekend was absolutely wonderful with some adventures... our bus was 2 hours late picking us up on Sunday and teh ac was broken and then we got stuck in traffic on I-95...not fun! but we endured adn arrived at St. Mary's at 4:45...just barely in time to set up the band for 5 pm mass!! after mass the parents had put together a pot luck and we had a lot of fun telling stories fromt he conference and plannning new escapades...

Steuebnville weekend is my favorite weekend of the year and a great time to be a youth minister...I feel reinvigorated in my spirit for the year to come...oh I'm physcially and emotionally exhausted but man was that weekend awesome!
Can;t wait fro what comes next!!!! Life is getting interesting :) :) :)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Lamentable Day ...sad June

Boys are crazy...not getting into it...

So I'm here at my desk on an ABSOLUTELY gorgeous day and making all of the final arrangements for the Peru Mission trip and hand writing luggage tags for all of the extra bags of clothes and supplies that will be going down there with the group next week. This will be the first time since these trips started 3 years ago, that I won't be joining the group. I know it is for the best and I need to get better and deal with this stupid disease right now, but part of my soul is so depressed...to not see those faces of the orphans, to not be in the mountains of Peru in June...I don't know what to do with myself...Digging ditches is my specialty. i will miss the comradarie within the group, especially the teens that go for this life changing experience. I have made so many lifelong friends, American and Peruvian...and even Austrailian and Croatian aquantainces along the way...thank goodness for Facebook to keep in touch!!!
I will miss the long walks in the Plaza de Armas at night when it is all lit up, and the ruins of Macchu Picchu. I will miss the masses in the hotel and at the orphange. I will miss the Maximo Nivel staff and seeing my friends Paul, Irina, Heidi, Eliza, Ramone, Alcides, and Vanessa. I will even miss bargaining with the shop keepers at the artisenal and 'sketchy mart'. But mostly I will miss the children at Azul Wasi orphanage in Orapesa. That place holds such a place in my heart. I am forever changed for having worked and lived there the past few summers.
Fr. Michael said, "You can bring your medicine and we can check with more doctors if you still want to come." But I know I have to stay home this time. My ticket CAN be used in the future and I need to be at least at half strength when we go to Steubenville in July for the teen conference.

So, to avoid feeling sad about not being where the action is...I am making a list of things I will NOT miss about this trip.
1. the 29 hour travel days there and back
2. the lost luggage
3. the travel clinic with used needles, exploding space heaters, and thinking I am going to die in South America
4. the Altitude
5. Cuy for dinner (roast guinea pig)
6. the smell of roasting llama
7. getting stuff lifted by grifters
8. taxi drivers of death
9. the smell on the bus
10. the smell at the llama farm
11. cold showers or no showers
12. spending money
13. teenagers misbehaving :(
14. no sleep


Ah well though...I still wish I was going....

Monday, June 15, 2009

Life Support

Every Month Life Teen International sends out Life Support boxes to all Life Teen youth Minsiters in over 134 countries...

They help us plan our years...they include curriculum guides, magazines, Liturgical guides, copies of teachings, books, DVDs with clips that fit into the teachings and support you during your meetings...and always..something silly ridiculous really and a usually a few CDs of the most recent music that is out...

Life Support Box day is always exciting :) :) at least for me...it helps me feel connected to something greater going on within this ministry worldwide that I am a tiny part of when it comes to the big picture..and everyone loves free stuff...Well the church pays for it..but the music goes on my mp3 :) :)

Last Quarter was a pretty good box..the toy was a fold up Frisbee type thing that says HEROIC VIRTUE on it when you open it up...its been flung around my office many times...

This month's toy is so bizarre and I love it and have had much fun so far...it is this yellow ball and when you open it up there is a white board inside...a pen sticks into the ball and there is an eraser on the end...basically you can write a message..close the ball reinsert the pen...and throw your note across the room...YAY

That explanation is silly...look at the pictures...








I also got the new Chris Tomlin album..he is one of my favorite Christian Musicians...and I just downloaded the sheet music to play this song, "I Will Rise" for this coming Sunday's Baccalaureate Mass :)


Basically- Today was my first day back to work in a while..like really on full steam...and "Life Support" was needed and arrived :)

Sometimes God isn't so subtle...sometimes he just bangs you over the head with what you need :)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

life in a postcard



This picture is a little cloudy because it is from my camera phone and taken through a dirty window...but it was gorgeous to behold.


I'm on the ferry from Orient Point to New London, and the sky is so bright it looks like a backdrop from the musical "Oklahoma". Puffy white clouds that belong on postcard are floating by over the dark blue green water with Long Island slowly fading away in the background and Plum Island in all its glory in my window.

A few sails spring up here and there and the sunshine through the clouds reflects off the gentle waves. The diesel engine on Cape Henelopen is making a lot of noise, as are the dogs being held in the laps of Lexus and Escalade owners. There is a man right outside my open window smoking a cigarette, and he has many earrings and tattoos. I read the NY Post and talked on the phone a bit. Its a little too chilly to ride up top today. And little Timmy is running rampant up there anyway, disturbing an otherwise peaceful experience.

The surface of this picture perfect Sunday is gorgeous, a true postcard image. The reality inside of the picture is less abstract, more subjective. I have ridden this ferry hundreds of times, today is little different bearing in mind the fact that I am writing on a laptop, no doubt the object of someones scorn for being immersed in the world even on a beautiful boat ride, unable to tear myself from technology.

I find my mind drifting to the sailboats on the water, the peace they must afford to those sailing them, then it drifts further to awe at the majesty of the sky, then to judgement of fellow passengers. This last of which is one that I hope to be of short duration as I, in general, attempt not to dwell on these feelings.

This boat, the Cape Henelopen, landed on the beaches of Normandy in 1944. We are just a week past the 65th anniversary. Any feelings of sullenness vanish whenever I think of this fact. My mind drifts to the English Channel so many years ago, to the young men who walked on these same floors I now walk. The fear and courage and anxiety they must have felt boggles my mind. So many of them never came home from the shores of France.

Connecticut is beginning to loom a bit larger in my window and my mind drifts back to reality. I have to be at the church by 4:00 pm in order to set up the band for mass and tune my guitar and practice a bit. My voice is finally back to normal which is a relief.

People sometimes ask if I am ever going to record, or if I have recorded. Like its just that easy to decide. As if you just wake up one day and think, "I'm going to record" As if it doesn't take money and connections and every ounce of free time you could imagine. I doubt I will ever record, or that in reality, I am good enough to do so. I am just about good enough to do exactly what I do, which is play and sing for Sunday Mass and open mic nights.

I think I'm far too retrospective today. I vowed to myself that when I had this time off this week to recuperate, that I would write a chapter a day for my book, but I never did. I wonder now if I have the stamina, originality, command of language, and talent to finish that project.

Everyday life and work in Connecticut often seems much like just the passage of time. Although very often enjoyable, it leaves no lasting mark on me, or I think, on the world. I want to see and do and write of great and wonderful things that provoke thought and excitement, that lack the banality I see all around me, that capture the glory of God in the human experience. I seem to want it just enough to be dissatisfied with anything less, but not enough to seriously do anything about it.

I haven't written anything in over a month because I had been ill again, and also because I could not think of anything of substance in what I was doing that was worthy of being written about. Now I have had too much time with my own thoughts. And inside of my postcard image Sunday, I have found a bit of a voice, albeit a critical and tortured one.

Two weeks ago, Chris spent three extra days of his research time with me to take me to the doctor and get my medicine. I know he would have rather been somewhere else, and perhaps was influenced by unnecessary guilt after a senseless outburst of irrational tears on my part when I asked him what time it was, and he kept saying 8 o'clock. Apparently I didn't think it was 8 o'clock, or didn't like that time, all I do know is that I broke down uncontrolably and told him to leave me alone. Sitting in a waiting room at a walk in clinic in Riverhead, now that is love and dedication. I am thankful for his patience.

I still feel ill, I will get my test results tomorrow, and I feel very alone right now. Alone with my pedantic thoughts and immature musings. I have not prayed nearly enough lately, although I know very well it is the only thing that keeps me sane. I hope that tonight's mass will be a peaceful one, where the music can add to the transcendental and I can find that place of meditation and rest within the miracle of transubstantiation. Today is the Feast of the Body and Blood of Christ (Corpus Christi). That one sacramental miracle brings so much meaning to everything else in my life. Anyone that can love that much, to not only pour out every last drop of love on the cross, but then in turn also deem to be humble enough to stay locked up in lonely tabernacles for all eternity and to be an omnipotent presence at over 500,000 Eucharistic celebrations every day breaks my heart and rebuilds it in love. Any selfish or judgemental thought vanishes in the mere thought of that miraculous event. And when I receive him, I feel as if I am in heaven and nothing can touch me in the moments following, not sarcasm, not triteness, not self-pity or self-loathing, not pride, not judgement of others, or even of society. In that moment, all is completely right with the world. Its what I dream heaven will be like.

I'm sure heaven is going to be far better than a ferry or a sail boat, whose sailors no doubt have problems of a whole other realm and stream of consciousness than my own. I'm sure many of the boys from the shores of France are now present in the glory of heaven. And that eternity awaits us all, if we can manage not to get in our own way along the journey there.

But the jury is still out on the lap dogs, personally I doubt they get to go there.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Another Star Trek thing :)

I've been very disappointed in SNL for the past like...oh 10 years...but this was pretty classic. I am in love with Leonard Nimoy.




Wednesday, May 13, 2009

New Star Trek- no spoilers

I truly enjoyed the movie...of course there were things that were over the top and cheezy...but isn;t he entire premise the same?!

I think it did its job, because I came away wanting to see it again...and also wanting to watch Star Trek II and III and old episodeso f the original series adn the next generation.

It has made tons of money and will make more...which means...more sequels...prequels etc...its left open for that in an interesting way...

I liked it more than I thought I would



Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

Monday, May 11, 2009

I have no idea what to do with my Mondays....and I like that fact

Thankfully, the Religious Education year has come to an end. Since September I have worked until 8 pm on Monday evenings. We have back to back sessions, K-5 and 6-8. We sing, we learn the week's patron saint, we have great volunteers. I teach a lot of pre-teens about the meaning of respect (for teachers, for the church, for their peers) which they apparently have never heard of before. We have 3 rules: respect, equality and investment...foreign concepts these days, you would think we are speaking in ancient Greek...

But, its all over until next September and tonight is my first free Monday in 9 months and I'm not sure what to do...do I go home? the laundromat? the bank? I made an appointment to get my haircut tomorrow, something I have not done in over a year. I was going to go to the DMV as my license expires next Monday, but they are closed.

I feel strangely free, and its a little exhilarating. It's not completely over yet, We still have two more first communion masses next weekend and the Steubenville East Summer Retreat to organize.

Susan says to me today, "Want to make the First Communion certificates tonight?" good idea, to get ahead of ourselves a bit at a time we are used to working already. And now this plan has turned into watching Twilight on the big movie screen with the awesome speakers in the Visitation Hall with some friends while we have dinner and work on the certificates...I can't think of a much better Monday, except maybe not working at all and going to see Star Trek, but I can do that later in the week.

And it will get my mind off the fact that I am unable to watch the Met games when in CT...

The Mets have won seven straight games and are in first place, not getting comfy but it sure feels good to be a Met fan...

And it sure feels good, to be winding down for the summer here at church :)

And I went for a hike this morning and did some sketching and took some pictures.

'Chatfeild Hollow' is this gorgeous state park nearby with awesome trails and rivers and boulders.

Relaxation is my favorite.

here are some shots from Chatfeild today:



Thursday, May 7, 2009

Christian Rock and Band Practice

I feel so excited today and I'm not really completely sure why. I think part of it is that I'm happy to be seeing my family tomorrow and we're all going to Citi Field tomorrow! And another part is that I feel finally like I'm definitely out of the little funk I've been in for the past few months...must be springtime :)

I started listening to really uplifting Christian music and realized that now that I'm alone leading the Life Teen Band, I have a lot of responsibilities, but also a lot of creative freedom of what songs to have the band play during the liturgy.
Often when there were other adults in the band, they wouldn't be able to come to practices. I would teach the teens these songs and we would play them on Thursday but on Sunday we would have the same rotation of 7-8 songs that the rest of the band knew by heart and had been playing for the last 9 years. not there was anything wrong with that, but part of the point of having contemporary music at a liturgy geared towards teens, is keeping it current. Not many teens enjoy Christian 'rock' (and I use the term loosely) to begin with, so playing Christian rock from 1999...not a good place to be creatively.

I've been to busy with confirmation and first communion and being sick that I have just been keeping afloat with the status quo with the music since I took over completely three months ago. But, tonight at practice I'm excited to teach the kids songs I learned at the Music conference in Arizona last year. They are a year old, but on the top 100, and brand new to us...and bonus...I can actually play them :)!!!

Now I know Christian Rock isn't for a lot of people and I know that musically it is not anything outrageously original or special or even requiring much talent...most of the lyrics are taken from the bible not written by these artists...

But what you need to know about this type of music is that is comes from a place in which the people who are writing it know that semi talented music ministers all over the world will need to be able to do decent covers to lead worship. Christian Rock to me is really 'worship' music, but then you get into a gray area where its like 'gospel' or 'worship' or 'mainstream' and each person categorizes those differently. Yes, there will be many cheezy guitar solos and synthesizers, and over 50 million G-C-D-EM chord progressions, but when you go to a conference and you see 3500 teens singing along and its not about drugs or sex...

Well, in my opinion, there is something to be said for that in today's society.

So, my weakness is Christian Rock, not all of it, definitely not all of it. But, I DO definitely have my favorite songs that reveal a none to great musical talent, which I feel if I look to a value in it deeper than 'the music'...look to its benefits for my ministry and my ability to play it with my band at my church and for the thousands of other music ministers out there doing the same thing. IT is then that I see a value in it.

And also there is a different between Christian Rock that is appropriate for liturgies or leading worship and the kind that actual Christian Rock bands like Relient K, Thousand Foot Crutch, Five Iron Frenzy, Jars of Clay, POD, Switchfoot, or Third Day perform. Many of these Christian Rock bands have had much mainstream and commercial success. This is a whole other arena than what I am talking about for my little band or other churches, at least Catholic ones. You will never hear "Meant to Live" or "Flood" during a mass, but they were on TRL on MTV for like 10 weeks...I kind of stop listening to a Christian band when they get too popular because they usually are not really Christian based in their lyrics anymore and have 'sold out' to an extent and I find its not longer worth listening to the "bad music just for the lyrics" Which I find ironic and funny because with most music genres its the other way around.

So my mp3 player has a mixture of music I like for the hard core classic rock that it is...and the guilty pleasure music that I listen to for the value of the message of faith it gives me. But truth be told, you definitely have to be in the mood for it. Ha ha ha...

Here are a few of the songs that I'll be playing/teaching my band tonight..give it try :)

I like this one during Easter Season....



This is one of my favorite "Happy Jesus Easter Songs" it ALWAYS cheers me up. I first heard it at the seminary in Denver in '03, its little older but new to CT... some of the lyrics make me laugh out loud...how do you feel a 'God Song' rising up in you? I have no idea...






This third one- I personally would not classify as 'rock' at all... its more of a Jesus ballad :) but when its done right, the build up is epic. I remember hearing 'Orphans of God' Played at mass by this amazing band in Arizona and it literally gave me chills...I had never heard it before and I just listened and I was so touched by it. I had just returned from Peru and missed the children from the orphanage so much so it was very powerful to hear this song at that moment.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

St. Therese

As predicted, today my spirits are back to their chipper selves!

I'm very excited today because this afternoon I will spend the rest of my day working in the parish Library. And when I finish my work, I plan to have dinner there with a friend and read :)I'm thinking something by Fr. Benedict Groeschel or St. Therese the Little Flower. I was reading one of his commentaries on her yesterday...I only read about three pages because I was feeling so sick, but those pages really painted a picture of faith that I have been experiencing for the last seven or eight years, and if I'm honest with myself, really my entire life. So, I want to explore that more. The theme is spiritual darkness or dryness/feeling the absence of God's presence. I had always known that Mother Theresa experienced this and also St. John of the Cross explains it in detail in "Dark Night of the Soul". But I never knew that the Little Flower experienced this also, I knew she suffered great physical pain with her tuberculosis, but I always pictured her as having been constantly comforted spiritually by God. I was wrong. In her journal she writes the following:

"I wish I could put down what I feel about it, but unfortunately that isn't possible; to appreciate the darkness of this tunnel, you have to have been through it. Perhaps, though, I might try to explain it by comparison. You must imagine that I have been born into a country entirely overspread with a thick mist; I have never seen nature in her smiling mood, all bathed and transfigured in the sunlight. But I've heard of these wonderful experiences, ever since I was a child; and I know that the country in which I live is not my native country; that lies elsewhere, and it must always be the centre of my longings. Mightn't that, you suggest, be simply a fable, invented by some dweller in the mist? Oh no, the fact is certain; the king of that sunlit country has come and lived in the darkness, lived there for thirty-three years.

Poor darkness, that could not recognize him for what he was, the King of Light! But here I am, Lord, one of your own children, to whom your divine light has made itself known.

Dear Mother, I seem to be writing just anyhow; here is my fairy-story about the country of darkness turning all of a sudden into a kind of prayer. I can't imagine how it can interest you, trying to master ideas so badly expressed and so confused as mine. But after all Mother, I am not writing for the sake of literary effect, I'm simply writing under obedience, and even if you find it tedious, you will at least realize that I've done my best. So I will make bold to take up my parable where I left off. What I was saying was that the sure prospect of escaping from this dark world of exile had been granted me from childhood upwards; and it wasn't simply that I accepted it on the authority of people who knew more of the matter than I did - I felt, in the very depths of my heart, aspirations which could only be satisfied by a world more beautiful than this. just as Christopher Columbus divined, by instinct, the existence of the New World which nobody hitherto dreamt of, so i had this feeling that a better country was to be, one day, my abiding home. And now, all of a sudden, the mists around me have become denser than ever; they sink deep into my soul and wrap around it so that I can't recover the dear image of my native country anymore - everything has disappeared.

I get tired of the darkness all around me, and try to refresh my jaded spirits with the thoughts of that bright country where my hopes lie; and what happens? it is worse torment than ever;the darkness itself seems to borrow, from the sinners who live in it, the gift of speech. I hear its mocking accents: 'its all a dream, this talk of a heavenly country, bathed in light, scented with delicious perfumes, and of a God who made it all, who is to be your possession in eternity! you really believe, do you, that the mist which hangs about you will clear away later on? All right, all right, go on longing for death! But death will make nonsense of your hopes; it will only mean a night darker than ever, the night of mere non-existence.'...

Dear Mother, does it sound as if I were exaggerating my symptoms? Of course, to judge by the sentiments I express in all the nice little poems I've made up during the last year, you might imagine that my soul was full of consolations as it could hold; that, for me, the veil which hides the unseen scarcely existed. And all the time it isn't just a veil, it's a great wall which reaches up to the sky and blots out the stars! No, when I write poems about the happiness of heaven and the eternal possession of God, it strikes no chord of happiness in my own heart - I'm simply talking about what I'd determined to believe. Sometimes, its true, a tiny ray of light passes through the darkness, and then, just for a moment, the ordeal is over; but immediately afterwards the memory of it brings me no happiness, it seems to make the darkness thicker than ever.'- St. Therese of Lisuex

Fr. Benedict's thoughts on this excerpt of her writings:
let me draw your attention to the fact that such an experience of isolation and loneliness is only possible because St. Therese believed that God was present, and thus on rare occasions during her time of trial she experienced the Divine Presence as a 'tiny ray of light.' In a paradoxical way, it is only faith in God's presence that makes it possible to experience his absence.

My feelings- I don't suppose that what I feel is of the magnitude of this great doctor of the church, cloistered nun and saint. But I do relate to her expression of the mist of the darkness. I have had just enough of an experience of God to be determined to believe. That belief is constant, complete and unwavering. It causes me to hope and live in a way to honor my God and teach his truth. But I exist in a lonely mist that breaks though the 'tiny rays of light' that I sometimes experience through mass, precious moments with family and dear friends and sometimes, when in adoration...but not often... in those moments I can occasionally get a glimpse of heavenly happiness or 'consolations', but it is never long lasting and never complete. Afterwards I often doubt those moments because I know I'm not holy enough to experience them. I have a constant unattainable yearning in my heart that I know will only be satisfied in heaven.
St Therese's words spoke to my soul so deeply I'm excited to read more of her writing sand maybe come to some greater thoughts and feelings on this in as time goes on and I develop more of an understanding of it all.

Anyway I hope to find a good book in the library tonight and thankfully my headache is gone today.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

tuesday blues

So a while ago I wrote about how great thunderstorms are.

I stand by that, what I don't like is light or medium rain. No thunder, no pounding buckets of torrential floods. It is not powerful enough to be cool, so it settles for being an annoying inconvenience. And we have it forecast for the next five days...boo.

Also, today I overslept by 20 minutes and missed morning mass, which always makes me cranky. When I can;t enter into the eternal existence of heaven through witnessing the consecration and receiving the Eucharist, the rest of the day seems very worldly and pedestrian and everything annoys me. Jeez, I don't sound very Christian writing that. What I mean to say is that attending daily mass makes me strong enough spiritually to face the day as the best version of myself. My soul is having an annoying rainy day as well due to not being at mass. Add to that a migraine and a meeting up at school on my thesis which I have no concrete topic for just mental outlines that I can't fully articulate today, and I'm kind of cranky and upset.

I know its not a big deal, I also know it will pass and I'll be my cheerful self again in no time. But today I'm frustrated and tired and also ending this blog because looking at the screen is hurting my head more and I am procrastinating on my thesis meeting which is in twenty minutes. Then I have an interview with my advisor about what courses to take next year and when, if ever, I will graduate and I just wish I could focus more or reschedule.

and the annoying drizzle persists and made my hair frizzy and my mascara run.

Wow apparently I'm just a big baby complainer today...take a pill Annie...

ha ha, I'm a dork
later gator

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Cheerios and Pepsi

I have come to the conclusion that Cheerios and Diet Pepsi do not go well together. I accidentally just dropped three cheerios in my diet pepsi and I didn't know it until I drank them up a few minutes later. I thought, "Why is this pepsi so mushy and oaty?" It was all kind of gross.

I'm sending out our retreat forms for Steubenville East to a few other youth groups today. They don't have enough kids or chaperones to get a group together on their own, so I'm sub-leasing space in our trip to them.

Some days I don't really know what to do with myself. I have this feeling that if things are NOT moving at breakneck speeds, that I am slacking. Right now confirmation and CCD classes are over, we cut the Vacation Bible School in July because of budget problems, First Communions are the 9th, 10th, and 17th of May at the noraml weekend masses, and everything is done and I don't know what to do. I know in my head it is a well earned break, and there is still much I am responsible for in the coming weeks and months, not the least of which is never ever being away on a Sunday because there is no one to cover the band for me. But now that I am down to a forty hour week after 60-70 hour weeks from September through April, I feel like I'm working part-time and it doesn't feel good.

I know I should take advantage of it and get healthy after being sick for three weeks. I'm going down to Hammmonasset(state park/beach)in a few with a bunch of the teens when they get out of school. We're going to play ultimate frisbee...woo-hoo! I love looking across the water to Long Island.

I guess I'm really feeling a little guilty because I was having my lunch break here at work (pepsi and cheerios YUM)and I spent it on the phone with my sister Kathy because I worried about how sick she has been and I also knew that I would get a chance to talk to to her without the kids needing her and the after school/work craziness where she can never talk. I felt a little selfish because I woke her up. I get upset when she is sick, and now she is moving even farther away with her next assignment in Texas :(. I hate not seeing my family more often. Anyway we had a great talk and she is feeling a little better after resting today. (eeeewwwww one last chewy mouthful of pepsi- I forgot about the cheerios for a minute)


My point is about my working/not working...so we're on the phone and the parish secretary, not Susan my assistant, calls me on the intercom and says I have a call on line one. Which is weird because I have my own line and if they called the main line its probably just a telemarker or someone that doesn't know me. Now I have been on the phone for like 40 minutes and still have 20- left of my lunch hour...but
I take the call and feel so guilty about the following conversation:

Annie: Religious Educaiton Office

person: Hi, I'm blah blah blah from blah blah fundraising (my mind clicks off as we are in the midst of a fundraiser as well as just having completed one) and I want to tell you about blah blah blah blah and I sent a fax to you...

Annie (interrupting) well we just finished a fundraiser two weeks ago and are doing one right now so I won't be looking into one until next year but if you...

Person (interupting): Well can I ask what fundraisers you are doing?

Annie (giving out too much information that she doesn't owe this person and thinking that was a rude question): we just finished up with Yankee Candle and now we are doing Santus Catholic Jewelry but if you...

Person(interupting): Well those are good but if I could send you over blah blah blah what's your fax number I can blah blah...

Annie (interupting back again): our fax number is blah blah blah and if you fax it to me I will look at it for next year but I'm on the other line right now so I'll have to go.

Perosn: Okay thank you. I'll fax that right over...blah blah blah blah blah blah...

Annie. Your welcome, bye.

So then I say to Kathy who has been on my other ear:

Yes, I'm sorry but I'm on a person call right now and I don't have time for business related phone calls I'll have to hang up on you know.

It was funny and I shouldn't feel guilty because although I feel bad for this woman whose name I don't remmber but I'm sure she told me, we really CAN'T do another fundraiser now and I was on break, on my own cell phone, eating my own dry cheerios...
But I was just disapointed in myself I guess because even if SHE had been rude, usually I'm not so short with people. I'm not saying that I was rude, but I did appear rushed, and when people call a church they should be treated very friendly.

Ah well, so those are the things I feel guilty about today, not working unpaid overtime and being interupted on my lunch hour...what the heck is worng with me???

I guess it is just a part of me that feels that no matter how other people act or what other people do, I want to always be 'above reproach' and I didn't think I was today...

Going to the beach to do my job and sign kids up for retreat now :) Yay- gotta love Youth Minsitry...paid to play frisbee

Happy Wednesday

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

This past month and rainy days

I haven't blogged in over a month. I was very busy with confimration, our passion play, the Easter Vigil preparations and then I got the flu in the middle of it all but I didn't stop working. So, that turned into me being very very stupid....and two courses of antibiotics (that had no effect except on my stomach) later...sick with viral pneumonia. I was out of commission for two weeks and just felt a 'general malaise' the sligthest things seemed to drain all of my energy. I'm easing back into work now---only half days this week...and another doctor's appt. tomorrow in between classes. I have missed so much school that I know I'm not getting A's and have had to realize with more than a little frustration and let down- that I will not get through grad school with a 4.0 GPA... bollocks :(

The bright spot in it all was being able to spend time with my family, mom and dad and Maria and Kathy and neices and nephews...and Matt on Easter Sunday too...even though I never really left the house, it felt good to just not be alone. Usually I love living alone, I mean sometimes it can be depressing when I get too too too lonely, but overall it really suits me and I enjoy having all my own space (albeit rented) and schedule and freedom and (ahem)...lack of accountability to any human person. So, I love being alone, but not when I'm sick! There is just something about being surrounded by loved ones that can make you feel safe. I loved just playing games and watching movies with Jack, Kate Dan, Tommy and Rachel. They are still young enough that I don't have to do to much to impress...just show up and pay attention to them and they still love you uncondiationally...I hope that lasts a long time. But all in all, even though it keeps me away from home, my job is really amazing in that I get to do what I love, and with the exception of the drama (which takes a vacation over the summer when CCD is out!!! woo-hooo!!!), I have total freedom and the respect of my priest to let me do my own thing, in my own time, my own way. In a way I think that I'm spoiled because I don't think I'll ever be able to be bossed again!! Not to say I don't have real accountability like the expectations in programming and budget and staffing concerns...but more that, since I've proven my self competent and intelligent (not to mention indisposable-lol), I have free reign...and I'm quite comfy in my little life...and a good sick leave followed by a good thunderstorm is just an amazing finish to my crazy month!!!

I'm also pretty excited today because in two hours I am headed over to Best Buy in Waterford (near New London)to pick up my new laptop that is my birthday (32- ahhhhhhhh 'tooo old..too old to begin the training')present from Mom and Dad for school (and facebook!!). I will now be a member of the internet community while not bogarting time from work...

This may sound ridiculous because everyone I have talked to in the last two days has talked about how much they hate thunder storms...but I LOVE them. It has really cheered me up today. Something about them is so powerful and amazing. The thunder and lightning went on for four hours last night and it is continuing today. I love to listen to the rain, read a good book and just get into a warm blanket (yes - GET INTO- like a snuggie in the infomercial)

They make me feel like my senses are heightened with expectation of something involving intrigue and possibly something a little scary - in a good exciting way...like, "it was a dark and stormy night...". The rain is so loud right now that I can feel the vibration of the drops pelting the window pane next to me...it makes my heart race...

When I did get a few winks of sleep last night, I dreamt about hurricane Gloria and sitting on the front porch watching the trees bend with the force of the wind...I know hurricanes can be terrible and destructive, but they always leave me in awe as well at the power of God's creation and feeling small and fragile. Like the rain and wind can wipe away all of my earthly concerns... kind of like a mental "don't go out in this weather" or if you have ever seen "What About Bob?" a 'vacation from my problems!!' storms do that for me...a blizzard is neat, but a good thunderstorm is EPIC...think about all the great action movies that have made a scene more excting by adding a great thunderstorm....Twister and The Day after Tomorrow (okay those both sucked but the storms were cool...I mean just think of those movies WITHOUT the weather...EVEN WORSE, right?), even funny movies like Haunted Honeymoon and CLue...great thunderstorms! Then there is the Perfect Storm, which was sad because its a true story....and also one of the X-Men is NAMED Storm! Any good mystery film need only add darkness and storm to add to the suspense...think Key Largo...or that scene in 'It's Wonderful Life' where there is the run on the bank...not as foreboding if its sunny, is it? And I mean can you picture Jesus on the cross on a SUNNY bright and shiny day with birds chirping? I think not...

The water gushing from the gutters right now sounds like a river...

Anyway, just some random thoughts as I sit here and not work...

I really like the rain...

The End

Monday, March 16, 2009

I didn't do it on purpose....

So last night i was in ahurry after youth Group to get home, so I didn't check the front doors to the church. Everytime i check them they are ALWAYS locked...and both the people who are in charge of locking up were at mass last night...and i was in ahurry because it was 8:30 and I was picking up my friend Mke for a 9:10 showing of Watchmen (spoiler alert-for a three hour flick it was pretty freaking cool- until the last 15 minutes- I sure thought the ending sucked!!!)

Anyway I got this note on my desk this morning-
"The doors in the front of teh church were left unlocked last night and teh door between the altar servers room and the sacristy was left unlocked and wide open. Am I in charge of locking them or anybody else?"

Oh Fr. Michael...I am sorry, I should have checked the doors...The K of C St. Patrick's Day dinner was in full swing so I think everyone, in a rush to do eat salted and boiled meat and cabbage and listen to sad depressing songs with 57 verses and no chorus, forgot to lock up... won't happen again :)

and here is your "Office" quote of the day from Oscar- to Michael- about his scary financial situation...

"Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need, like a car and a house...The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment, things like that...This scary black bar is what you spend onthings that no one ever, ever needs. Like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equiptment...Look ...$1200, what is a "Core Blaster Extreme"?"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

some not too recent news on the Home Run Apple...



Workers in Minnesota are putting the finishing touches on the Mets' new Home Run Apple, a bigger, shinier and more advanced version of the Shea curio that inspired strong feelings among fans who either adored or hated its hokiness.

The new apple will be installed at Citi Field in early February, according to Mark Silvera, who designed it along with fellow engineer Andrew Agosto. Look for the Mets to have a ceremony when the apple is unveiled, although the team declined comment Wednesday.

"I guess somebody has made a giant pop-up apple before, but when we were going through the process, we wanted to have it be bigger, better and more reliable," said Silvera, an engineer at Uni-Systems, the Minneapolis engineering firm hired to build it. "It'll be exciting to see it installed and then see how fans respond to it."

The fresh apple, made of fiberglass with a foam core, is 16 feet tall and 18 feet in diameter, meaning it would tower over the 9-foot-tall original. The new one weighs 4,800 pounds, but adding the hydraulics and guideframes underneath means the total weight lifted will be around 8,500 pounds. The old apple weighed 582 pounds.

When a Met hits a homer, the apple will rise 15 feet. It's slated to make the trip in just three seconds, but the Mets may be able to tweak the timing once it is installed.

The original apple first appeared at Shea to the right of the 410-foot sign in center field during the 1980 season as a marketing ploy to inject some excitement into a dreadful team that finished 67-95, in fifth place in the NL East. That team didn't hit many homers, either - Lee Mazzilli led the way with 16, while the Mets finished with just 61 and were mocked by a Daily News graphic that measured their homer output against Roger Maris' 1961 total. The Mets and Maris finished tied.

But the apple morphed into a symbol of the franchise, its lumpy, red fiberboard frames plucking fans' heartstrings, and Met officials long wanted to have the apple represented in some way in the new park.

While the apple has been famous and/or notorious in New York, depending on your point of view, Minnesotan Mark Hagelberger didn't know apple lore. Hagelberger's company, Fiberglass Fabricators, Inc., was hired to build the new apple's shell and he Googled the Met apple to learn. "Wow," he said Wednesday, "this is a big deal."

To some fans, so is the final resting place of the original apple. Good news, Hagelberger says - it's likely to go on display somewhere at Citi Field. "That's the plan I heard," Hagelberger said.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

It doesn't take much

we may live in uncertain times, and although I derive my hope from my faith in God...


IT is people like Jim gaffigan who keep me laughing....

here is a clip of his latest assault on food...




do't miss his comedy central show..he is hysterical :)

Friday, February 27, 2009

gross mistreatment of 'slumdogs'..and other sickening things...




This picture is a representation of how we, as American Christians/Catholics commonly assimilate the concept of Lenten Sacrifice into our lives, and corporate America's response...

Filet-O-Fish sales skyrocket...ashes seen on foreheads...Lent must be here...

Wow.


On another note...here is yet another uplifting story of the economic gap AND its' paired with the exploitation of youth! YAY!


Young 'Slumdog' stars back in Mumbai slums


On Sunday night, Azharuddin Ismail and Rubina Ali were in Hollywood, California, getting celebrity treatment as eight Oscars were awarded to the movie they starred in, "Slumdog Millionaire."

Thursday night, the two children were sleeping at home in Mumbai, India. Azharuddin sleeps under a plastic sheet in a shantytown beside a railway track, where the smell of urine and cow dung lingers in the air. Rubina sleeps with her parents and siblings in a tiny shack beside an open drain.

The slum they live in put on a Bollywood-style welcome for the two young stars. There were music, dancing, sweets, garlands, security -- tears and tantrums -- and paparazzi.

Mumbai's Garib Nagar area, which translates literally into "poor district," put on a robust show for two of its own.

Rubina and Azharuddin have lived in a Mumbai slum all their lives. They were handpicked by the producers of "Slumdog Millionaire" for parts in the movie, which tells the rags-to-riches tale of a young boy who grew up in a Mumbai slum.

Following the film's spectacular success around the world, the producers decided to include the two young actors in the movie's Oscar experience.

The children made their first journey on a plane when they were flown to Los Angeles, California, to attend the awards ceremony. "The plane was so big," said Rubina. "I'd only seen [planes] in the sky earlier and it used to look so small."

"America was just fantastic," Rubina gushed, visibly excited after she made a dramatic entry into the slum on her father's shoulders on Thursday afternoon. "I was so excited to be on stage at the Oscars. Everyone was crying."

Red-carpet formalities done, the children were given a whirlwind tour of Los Angeles. The highlight -- a trip to Disneyland. "I loved all the rides, especially the fast ones," said Rubina.

The trip to the United States did have some drawbacks though. "The food is different over there," said Rubina. " I didn't like it. I missed Indian food."

They'll have plenty of that now that they're back home. The first thing Azharuddin did when he returned to Garib Nagar was to dig into a plate of biryani, a traditional Indian meal of meat and rice, at a restaurant. His mother, who accompanied him to Los Angeles, spoke to reporters at home -- a makeshift shelter under a tree, with a torn plastic sheet for a roof.

She said she hoped the "Slumdog Millionaire" experience would change things. "It would be nice to get a proper home." She says she has heard rumors the government may provide her family with one, but no one has confirmed any plans for a new home. "I've been praying for a new home for so long. It's all up to Allah now."

Returning to their slum, Azharuddin and Rubina were excited -- and exhausted -- by media attention that was sometimes a little overwhelming. Azharuddin burst into tears while eating lunch, leaving his biryani unfinished, his every move caught on camera.

Hoping to secure a future for Azharuddin and Rubina, the film's producers have enrolled them in a school and set up a trust fund to ensure their welfare.

"We thought long and hard about how best can we benefit them and we decided to put in place an education plan for them," said Danny Boyle, the movie's director.

"We put them in school, a very good school, which they're paid for to stay in until they're 18. If they stay in school until they're 18, a substantial sum of money is released to them then, which will effectively change their lives for the better," Boyle said.

The Telegraph newspaper of London, England, quoted their parents saying Azharuddin was paid less than $2,500, and that Rubina got about $700.

"The children were paid well," Boyle said. "The families were paid well for their work, over and above what you could pay, way over and above what you could pay."

"I hope the children get a better life after this," said a neighbor who waited outside her home all day to welcome the children home. "They've achieved so much at a young age. They deserve much better."

Thursday, February 26, 2009

"The International" AKA "Shoot out at the O.K. Guggenhiem"




I have a new habit of going to matinee movies...alone...in the middle of the week. Hi, my name is Annie, and I'm a loser...

watch the first five minutes here:

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi4062970649/

"If you control the debt, you control EVERYTHING."
"Sometimes you find your destiny on the road you took to avoid it."
"The justice you seek is an unattainable myth."
"What do you want from me?" "I want some fucking justice!!"
"If you kill me there will be hundreds of bankers lining up to take my place..."

Okay some of those lines may seem a bit cheesy, but this movie was NOT....well not completely anyway :)

It was realistic and frightening and well acted and actually achieved being amazing without any gratuitous sex scenes...no wonder Hollywood is keeping it so quiet...its not teenage vampires...or talking dogs...


This movie is about the IBBC, and the rag-tag group of law enforcement agents from NYC, Interpol and Scotland Yard, that go behind their agencies' backs and against the orders of their superiors to uncover a vast capitalistic, warmongering, giant evil bank weapons deal, orchestrated to control the world's conflicts and debts. The conspiracy is out there, they have no bond-like gadgets..the good guys or the bad guys...its kind of a throw back in that aspect to an old Bogart film, just using brains, and good old fashioned rifles and well..OK Uzis... But it was refreshing, if not realistic to see three or four people working international espionage and only one blackberry...I mean they used PAYPHONES...

This is not your regular conspiracy thriller, it takes a different path, with success. Anyone who knows anything is in danger, people are being killed off left and right, there is no one to trust, no one to turn to and no justice in sight....and the biggest baddest shootout that the Guggenheim Museum has ever seen. This movie is epic, and filmed on location around the world, the scenery is a bigger star than Owen. Clive Owen is very convincing as the paranoid, strung out and disillusioned Interpol agent and Naomi Watts isn't great, but this performance is better than "The Ring".

This movie makes a great case for idealism and it's hopelessness...

I fear these gross abuses of capitalism are not all that far fetched...and they are the exact same corruptions that exist in every/any form of government and economy... The corruption of people in power will always breed more corruption, more pain and manipulation of the public, more profiteering, more disillusionment.

Diversion from the movie review into what it made me think about:
I came out of this movie feeling like it was pretty damn good, but also that I am pretty helpless and in general, sad for our world...
With corruption at every level of every organization, have we as a people become so truly evil? No, we haven't become, we have always been...the method isn't even original...
I believe that true and real evil exists and that the honest people in society are being further and further eclipsed by it. The god of self-satisfaction paired with an unprecedented lack of compassion and honesty....it disgusts me and is embodied by our history as a people of war and the current state of war as well as the state of our economy, which will be used to frighten people into surrendering more freedoms.
I think the only real freedom that exists anymore is the freedom of thought.

The hunger for power breeds corruption, and the attainment of it shoots the breeding into the stratosphere. Adam and Eve...they lasted what, a week, before the devil got to them by tempting them to 'be like God'. It seems like the whole world is his playground these days...and true justice IS a myth, at least in this world. Can it be that real justice comes only with death and the final judgement of the individual?

In my heart I admire people like well, Jesus to start with, and saints like Francis, Mother Theresa, Thomas More, people like Gandhi. And for the life of me, I can't think of one single public persona in today's' world that I truly can say that I know without a shadow of a doubt, is not corrupt in some way. For myself, I try to be and act above reproach, and with integrity and honesty. But then again- I have no real power, so have I ever really been tempted to be anything but honest? And in reality, I don't know how well I do at the whole uncorrupted thing. Often I want to quit being an idealist even in my own mind because it is exhausting. Or, I want to quit my job in general because its disheartening to see each day what religion has become to so many people. BUT, then I lose and the devil wins. AND we were told going into all of this life that it wasn't fair, yet I'm still surprised by injustice. Maybe that says something, even if it is only that I can still feel outrage. And, we were told that the harvest is great and the workers few, and I will not go down without a fight!!! :)ooh maybe I'll get an Uzi!!!!

Anyway, back to the movie- I think the great films are the ones that make us think about real issues, and although this was about international intrigue and assassinations and shoot 'em ups, it was also a powerful social commentary. Its most definitely worth seeing.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Star Wars IQ

"The average Star Wars fan has an IQ of 106. Think you're smarter than the avg fan? 23% of American's can't get to the last question!"


one of the very tempting time wasters on Facebook...but as I have an IQ that is hopefully greater than that of the average star wars fan...I can resist...

And yet I wonder about my intelligence because I still wonder what that last question is...and if I would get it right.

"Inspirational. What did we learn? Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Because it is illegal, and you will go to jail." Michael Scott

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Jim Gaffigan makes me laugh...and its not even about Hot Pockets...

From his facebook page:


I’m not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day but one of things I do love are the commercials. One of my favorite is this one for Vermont Teddy Bear. Sure the first 50 times I wanted to kill myself, but now I watch it amazement.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Fa41HOJ_iI

Why I love this commercial
- Guy in cubicle wearing sunglasses on head? It does get sunny in the office.
- Announcer: “Giving her the ‘same old, same old”. That’s right women hate flowers and jewelry.
- Woman who receives Bear-gram is dressed like a lovely seductive dress.
- Only men in cubicles. What a coincidence
- Women in office completely over-react to gift of dust collecting bear.
- Guy removes sunglasses from top of head to see why whorishly dressed woman over acting.
- Disgusting line “so much bigger than I thought” reference. Excuse me?
- Announcer: “Take it from me. This is not your average bear”. Um who are you again? What is average bear?
- Guy actually has a “love” tattoo on his arm? Um ok. What a coincidence. I guess since I have a “love” tattoo on my arm I should get the bear with the “love” tattoo.
- Announcer tells us Bears are guaranteed for life. “Yes, I got my girlfriend a Lover Boy Bear 8 years ago. And it stopped working. (pause) Well, she started having sex with this other guy. Hello?”
- Free chocolate? Um isn’t that the “Same old, Same old”
- Guy in orange shirt pumps fist after ordering a teddy bear. Is this his first online purchase?
- Woman with crazy teeth (who did not get a bear) announces, “I can’t wait to give him my surprise”. Yikes.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Time is marching on...and I need advice...





Even after being on NET ministries for 2 years and traveling the country so much, I never thought of it as really much more than a glorified road trip while I was working. I loved it, I'm not putting it down in that sense, but in the sense that I didn't think that the traveling aspect was all that incredible, mainly because they were places i always expected to go, that it was relatively easy to get to, and very possible in my mind.

Going to Peru in 2007, and twice in 2008 really blew my mind, and blew my concept of travel, Americans, consumerism, and need right out the window. Going somewhere I had never dreamed I would go changed me.

I never thought I would go to South America, which made me savor the experience, and the enhanced the surrealness of being there all the more. What seemed impossible became possible. In Luke 1:34 it says, "For all things are possible for God."

I now God has had a purpose in my travels, that much is clear, it is just the next direction, that remains cloudy.

After my last trip to Peru, I never thought I would return. Partly because I got sick and was frustrated, party because I know I can't afford it and it was unlikely that I would be sponsored a fourth time to go when so many others would like the opportunity. I haven't been focused on the thought of going with the group this summer at all. I am planning on taking summer classes at Holy Apostles so that I can graduate next May, and they will cost $1100, so that leaves no money for a $2300 trip to Peru. My mind has been so many other places- other job opportunities, other things I want to buy and do, other places I want to go. Yet somehow the thought of not being on the plane when they leave, makes me sad....I'm a masochist...trust me, I know...but those children 'los orphonatos'... and the mountain air and the people and the need...and the llamas...they rip my heart out.

So Fr. Michael asked to see me today, and offered to pay for me to go, I was very surporised, shocked really. I would need to pay $85 for tips for the guides and staff...that is all...I know he is desperate and wants my help speaking the language and teaching all the newbies the ropes, and I have a good head on my shoulders and I'm his right hand and I've always been there...

Part of me remembers all my previous frustrations with the teens, with father, with the clinics, with being sick, and the logical side of my head says enough is enough, stay home, go to class, relax a little...chill out...

The adventurer and evangelist and the spirit that seeks a higher purpose and calling within me thinks it is absolutely ridiculous to pass up a fully sponsored trip to the third world that may never come around again. The glamour of Mother Theresa's lifestyle...I think of the corporal works of mercy I can perform and the basic true humanity I can encounter and help...and the mental and spiritual benefits of being out of the USA and all its capitalistic inhumanities...I think of these things and the decision is already made.

Then I think of my mom and dad, and how they do not want me to go. For my own safety and health and their piece of mind, I ponder this: How far does the fourth commandment carry over into your 30s?

Then I think of all my friends that I have made in Peru- Carmen, Vanessa, Paul, Liz, Eliza, Alcides...and not seeing them again until heaven makes me hurt inside...and they could never get a visa to come here...and then the decision seems already made.
The thought of talking and walking and laughing with them...to pass that up seems illogical...

And, I just got off the phone with the college and summer session will be over be the time we depart...so the question becomes...how much can I and should I cram into a four month period? May & June - school, June& 1/2 of July- Peru, end of July- teens summer retreat with group of 70, August- kayaking trip for Youth Group and being a bridesmaid in MN...

And is that really a good thing? To set myself up for another rigorous September with another full course load and academic year for catechism? With no real mental or physical break over the summer to process everything that is going on?

And I have no answer...only conflicting desires...and many more questions...

Should I go to Peru?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow...



My assistant Susan gave me a great valentine's Day present today :) He's right at home on my desk as you can see...right next to my rolodex and me watching office clips on Hulu (computer screen has betrayed me)
So Tuesady may have been awful, but school yesterday was great. i am doing really well with the Greek actually and today is good so far!

Tomorrow we leave for the four day ski trip adn I'm pretty excited! And my Aunt Margaret's principal, Sr. Kathleen, sent us $100 for the orphanage in Peru from teh Catholic School's week fundraiser.

WE have a speaker tonight, and I'm hoping everything finishes up in time for me to watch teh office tonight..it was continued and I'm waiting anxiously...

But I have to say no matter what the next few days hold...Bobblehead dwight on my desk is pretty much gold...


when I type fast his head shakes and I can't stop laughing...it doesn't take much to make my day...and this will pretty much make my week!

Please say a prayer fro us that we have a safe trip this weekend :) I may be posting from Loon Mountain, Lincoln, NH if the kids bring laptops, there is free wifi all over the hotel and I'm not skiing :)

Peace yo!

oh, quote of the day,

"I've been involved in a number of cults-both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader"- Creed Bratton

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Today totally sucks...I feel skeeved...

Last night I left work early with an intense migraine and stomach ache... I fell asleep as soon as I got home, around 5:45...One of the youth ministry core members (my friend Missy) called me at 8pm to tell me how everything went. I don't remember the conversation, but I do remember not getting back to sleep until 2:00am...

This morning at 5:00am a construction crew started work on the new stair well, which just so happens to be attached to my bedroom window...mouths like sailors, hammering like banshees, and I think they can totally see in through my blinds...because I could see them... anyway, I gave up sleep and started getting ready for work. at 7:10 my phone rings...I know it can't be anyone I know...because everyone I know- knows that they will never reach me at 7:10 AM... I pick up thinking it is the construction guys, because they told me in the parking lot yesterday morning that they will be replacing my windows and doors at the end of the week...
Its not them.

It is "Jerry the Bug Man" He is a 51 year old Vietnam vet who lives with his mom, has a slight lisp, loves to talk about rats and mice, and asks me out once every six months when he comes to check the mouse traps. He always makes me feel very uncomfortable....VERY. The first time we met, he just banged on my door at 8:00am and said he needed to check the bait traps. I had no idea who he was and wouldn't let him in. I brought the bait traps to the door for him to check. That was the first time he asked me out, I was wearing old sweats, a hoodie and snow boots with sleep in my eyes and bedhead...and blocking my doorway while he held a bag of dead mice...needless to say I asked him to please call and schedule visits in advance (so I could be away)..I guess calling in advance is two hours before he shows up at my door, and always at 6 or 7 am...the next few times I either got out of the apartment and had the landlord let him in, or pretended to not be home. I have never had so much as an ant or spider in my house...and I keep it clean. It is the one place I can feel private, and I hate that there are weird men outside my bedroom windows and coming into my apartment. I have had three or four very uncomfortable experiences with this guy...once he left a pair of rosaries on my night stand...there are NO TRAPS in my bedroom...Today I told him I wasn't home, so when someone was at my door I assumed it was the construction guys to measure the windows...I was wrong...in comes Jerry...45 minutes and a self invited cup of tea later I know that I need to just be like "I have to go now" next time and just make him leave, but I can never seem to do it..but the whole time its like the worst I've ever felt in my life...seriously my hair stand on end and I feel like I need to shower, adn I wash my hands vigorously for ten minutes after I shake his hand...he said this morning was our first date...I told him my boyfriend wouldn't like that, and he looked crushed and I was glad..He said, "I didn't know you were seeing anyone..." freaking stalker... so I said, "Well yes we're getting serious now, we've know each other a long time and we're the same age and he's wonderful..."

He left and my hands were trembling...I know he is harmless, but I couldn't stop shaking for a half hour. "Once you find the rats' food source, then you can eliminate them." Really Jerry? I find that completely not fascinating! What is your food source? I would like to eliminate you...okay I know that isn't Christian, but ...well no buts...its just not Christian and I made fun of him anyway...confession here I come...

I spent the rest of the morning at the laundromat where I was the only one who spoke English, but that didn't bother me, I just hate laundromats in general and I made some conversation in espanol.

When I got to work Susan (my assistant) was here and she cheered me up so much, she is a very wonderful person and fun and we are always on the same page, page 42 usually, but now she is gone for the day...and I'm grading confirmation tests, and I'm very content that only 2 out of 54 failed :)...take the test, I dare you! www.stmaryclinton.com, click on youth ministry and you can download the test as a PDF...see if that Catholic schooling your mom and dad spent so much money and so many bingo nights and yard duties on stuck at all! lol

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better, or pretending to at least, but still kinda creeped out in general and I'm really glad that I'm going away from Fri-Mon for the Youth Group ski trip...it'll be good not to be in my apartment. I felt invaded today...

And is it just me, or should my landlord tell me these things instead of the people doing them? And is it not normal to start construction at 5am or call someone at 7??? Am I overreacting? And shouldn't my landlord ask me before giving out my cellphone number? I mean, I can take care of myself and I have mace and a baseball bat, but I AM a single woman alone in a basement, I wouldn't mind if he like, honored that a little...maybe I SHOULD move to Missy's garage place...

Something completely different. There is a great job in NYC my friends in the CFRs in the Bronx told me about "Director of Young Adult Ministry" Br. Daniel says it would be "Yours for the taking Annie!" its about 5-10k more a year, depending on what they offer, but its NYC, so rent...BUT I would get to do what I do now for liturgies, but in ... St. Patrick's Cathedral!!! I would organize a lot of Young Adult events, networking, rallies, retreats, etc...so I'm sending in my stuff, we'll see what happens. I would love working at St. Pat's, but I don't think I can afford Manhattan...or Brooklyn or Queens for that matter...and I don't finish my masters until next spring so I would have to come back to CT one day a week during the semester for the next year...but I'm not going to shovel before it snows...
Funny, everyone talks about how bad things are right now for jobs and I've had 3 offers this year and now this...turning to God must be a growth industry in these whacked-out times...

anyway, here is what Michael Scott hays to say about it all:


"Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower, sometimes I spend too much time volunteering occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point that I am trying to make."

and I bid you good day... I hope yours was better than mine...

Why the hell did I let Jerry the bug man have a cup of tea???

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Its all Greek to me

Do you know the greek alphabet? Are you able to write and pronounce it from memory? Yeah me either, until yesterday...here you go :) I hope you enjoy...my brain hurts

A few of my classmates were being a little loud and 'having fun' before class so Fr. John says, "All rigth then, how about one the ones having so much fun comes up and gets us started ont he board? I'll take a volunteer to write out the alphabet please."

At that moment I was so happy that I was quietly studying in the back of the room...But Br. Joshua got the whole thing. I was impressed...

I'm having a really hard time with my handwriting and the actual reading of greek, even though I can recognze the individual characters at this point.

I've been looking into doctoral programs at Fordham (Bronx, NY), Catholic Universityof America (Washington, DC), and Norte Dame (South Bend, IN), and of course the pipe dream to study in Rome. But one thing is for sure
-> I truly need to master this AND take Latin I & II if I'm ever moving forward after my M.A. and that makes me scared.

Anyway, here is your greek trivia for the day...because you feel like reading it:

Greek Alphabet

The Greek letters have consistent sounds – not like English, where a letter in different words or even different parts of the same word can be pronounced differently, such as “evert.”


FYI- To be able to type Greek characters in Windows, go to Control Panel/Regional and Language/Languages/Details. Then you can add Greek, and put an icon on the taskbar, and switch between languages with key shortcuts.


N=number; L=letter; T=transliterated; Named=what it is called; Pronounced=how to say it.




Ν L Named T Pronounced

1 α Α alpha a fa la la

2 β Β beta b be

3 γ Γ gamma g go

4 δ Δ delta d do

5 ε Ε epsilon e end

6 ζ Ζ zeta z zip

7 η Η eta ē ate

8 θ Θ theta th thin

9 ι Ι iota i it

10 κ Κ kappa k kin

11 λ Λ lambda l lamb

12 μ Μ mu m moo

13 ν Ν nu n no

14 ξ Ξ xi x fix

15 ο Ο omicron o on

16 π Π pi p pea

17 ρ Ρ rho r row

18 σ [ς] Σ sigma s see

19 τ Τ tau t tow

20 υ Υ upsilon u kip

21 φ Φ phi ph fine

22 χ Χ chi ch cry

23 ψ Ψ psi ps nips

24 ω Ω omega ō oh


and posting this helped me study :) :)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

EPIC FAIL







“When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be

bought and sold are legislators.”


I'm feeling more and more hopelessness and less and less confidence int he governement lately...It would be amazing if we could all get together and refuse to pay taxes...what the hell the politicians apparantly don't have to...Corruptions and sellouts sicken me. People always say that the moral character of a polliticain shouldn't matter...but if that is true than what dictates tot hem what is ethical or not...oh right..nothing...sorry I got crazy ideological for just a moment there, how irrational of me.

I have so much frustration but I can't articulate it...so a picture is worth a thousand words...here are a few thousand...

Ted Daschle makes me want to vomit ... what a complete dirt bag

Monday, February 2, 2009

No time today for anything but this...

"I have been compared to a young Paul Newman. Its the eyes, adn the face, I guess. Also, I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman's Italian with Newman's Ranch. I sellit at flea markets for a small loss. I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone, but I won't do it."

Take a wild guess who said that...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

writing...about ramblings...among other things...

I started a project just before Christmas...a novel of sorts and I have most of the story mapped out in my head and the first four chapters written, though I keep revising and over editing them and can't seem to move forward until I feel they are what I want the m to be...I haven't done anything with it in nearly 3 weeks, since school started. The thing that is frustrating to me is that I talk myself out of writing at home because I don't have a computer and I won't want to write something I will have to re-type and revise...a frustration, yes, but not a real excuse. Basically, I think I'm afraid to finish because then it would have to be read by someone who would probably not like it...
Anyway, I wish I had a laptop :) that is my main goal right now. I have saved almost $300, I'm not even sure how, especially because I started increasing my church envelope...hmmm...maybe God is multiplying something because I gave to him when I couldn't afford it...
Anyway, another month or two and maybe I will have that computer and also, I will be through the 9th grade Confirmation and have a it more time to write. I enjoy writing. I feel I am fairly good at it, and I definitely think the story I'm telling is something that will resonate with people...


Anyway I also did my taxes today which was a relief..not a tax relief...and emotional one...I filed on the last day of my extension last year, and I rarely get things done on time and to be finished EARLY is a bizarre feeling. I was just going to do the paperwork to see how much I had to scrounge up by April, because I owed $600 last year and that was the reason I extended..then I paid the $600 in November and they sent me back a $600 stimulus...could have saved a dollar on stamps and called it a wash but whatever...so this year I only owed $59 and I paid it right away, and I'm actually getting a $388 refund from the state so that is cool! Its going into my laptop fund...I know I could probably get a Walmart "Acer" laptop already...but I want it to be nice. I'm not really big on things, but I want something that is quality and won't break when it comes to big ticket items. I don't have many, really just my phone and car (which is limping along yet still reliable). When it comes to a computer I just don't want a cheap one. I want to get either a Hewlett Packard or a Mac Air...I'm not sure which yet...I have a while to decide...it'll take me until at least August to save up enough for either...

I went to mass this morning in a small catholic bookstore. My friend and advisor for school, Fr. Brad, was the celebrant. It was able to coincide with a trip for work as we had to go tot he bookstore for the parish library and supplies for the second grade...okay, well they could have mailed it, but we had the field trip instead :) My assistant Susan drove and we had a great time. Fr. Brad gave me a beautiful sterling silver Miraculous Medal and a wooden rosary. His homily was wonderful, he talked about how we use these microscopes on our lives and troubles, getting sidetracked from joy , love and blessings of life by all the little things that aggravate, irk, trouble, and annoy us. He encouraged us to always use a telescope to see the bigger picture of life and unify our small sufferings to the cross of Christ in order to strengthen our resolves to always be positive and joyful with those we encounter. Its great advice and a wonderful perspective I've seem him live out for the past 7 years I have known him...I can do it in fifteen minute intervals when I'm reminded by someone holier than me... so that is my goal..to be positive and joyful and to unify every suffering and aggravation to the cross so I will always be joyful...

I'll let you know how that one works out...

In about an hour I am meeting with a 9th grade boy to talk with him about his faith and see if he wants to be confirmed or not. I'm praying for the right words of encouragement and faith to share with him. He is afraid I'm going to yell at him. I just want him to understand what confirmation means and does for us as Catholics, he is not sure he wants to be catholic. Its a hard decision for a 14 year old to make and he needs a lot of support. I hope it goes well...i got him a few books, with a lot of Q&A about the mysteries of God and beliefs of Catholicism. "Did Adam and Eve have Belly Buttons?" and "Did Jesus Have a Last Name?" They are geared towards Catholic teens questioning their faith.

After that we have a confirmation test review class from 7-8...and after that...I am going home to watch "the office". I hope it is a new episode.

Quote of the day:

"It's a feral barn cat. I trapped it last night and I am giving it to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed."

Dwight, to Angela

Friday, January 23, 2009

Michael Scott"s quote of the day....

is:

'Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now and I have to seem like an ogre. but you know me, and you trust me, and we like each other, and we'll always be friends, and I would never take you for granted in a millionyears, and I miss you man, and I love you. " His words.'


Just finished my staff retreat, wasn't so bad except for the getting up early part...hahaha but I got to go to mornign mass which was very nice and I have off tomorrow and plan to do a lot of sleeping because I was up until 4:00am and then got up at 6:30 so I'm pretty spent right now...and have a bit of a sugar high fromt he birthday cake :)

Feliz cumpleanos a Girma y Marcia...Feliz Cumpleanos a ti!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Michael Scott and inaguration preseidential stuff

Says, "I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start-no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out. Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. Thats the life."


I love that show.

I have not had a computer since last Thursday and I missed it :( and I am sick today with sore throat and fever.... :(


I've been stuck on the history channel all week watching all this stuff about past president's and I was very interested in the magnitude and gravitas of it all. But part of me also thinks that we raise men up too much. I wonder what George Washington or Woodrow Wilson were like as children. Maybe they were big bullies...maybe they were amazing, I don't know. I do know that they did great things with their lives and served our country. And I learned a lot about the League of Nations that that I didn't know. Which leads me to believe I slept through Sr. Margaretta's history classes more than I thought I had. Anyway i was learning all these things about president's from historians and they were talking about these MEN like they were gods that they had a personal relationship with. Which in itself was interesting, but I only have that kind of complete fascination when it comes to God himself, and the saints a little too, I confess. But when they would talk about these presidents, I sometimes wanted to shout, "He's just a guy!". I guess I just don't like to think anyone is too wonderful, because then you look up to them...and then you find out that the best of them, who weren't even corrupt...they had syphilis, cheated at poker, and spat a lot. FDR was a great president, and a shady husband. He was inspirational and beloved by many and he was also a power monger elected to FOUR terms...who maybe knew about Pearl Harbor and let it happen...

I don't know, I'm no great political scientist, I just think about things. And I think that what is happening in our country now is said by so many to not be "what the founders would have wanted" Really? Were you having dinner with Adams, Washington and Jefferson and they told you so? Because they were great minds, but who are we to know if they were great people or not? They wanted us to be self reliant with the power to change government, that is the way they set it up. And I feel that the problems that exist within the government are due to the fact that over the last 50 years specifically, as a people lazy of mind and action, we have systematically voted ourselves out of power. The corporations and dirty politicians have taken over, but we are complicit to a point. People believe what they want to believe or become too disheartened to care anymore. Social inertia...Obama may make a difference, who knows, but nothing about that man has stirred any great emotion in me (other than anger about FOCA). He knew how to play up his gifts, say not too much, fly below the radar for long enough, and strike at an ignorant and angry populace. Well plotted...executed extremely well...better than McCain's plan...But is that what we want and need, the cleverest to get elected is the one who leads? I guess its what we have become...

I watched all the pomp on Tuesday and I wasn't too impressed. A million people gathered. (It was falsely reported that this was the largest gathering of people ever...it was later corrected to say, in America. I myself have been part of a crowd of 2.5 million in Toronto for WYD, and WYD always hosts the largest recorded crowds in the history of mankind, there were over 3 million for closing mass in Cologne, Germany and 5 million plus attend the closing mass in Sydney last summer.{* amended-In January 2007, more than 70 million Hindu pilgrims from around the world gathered at Hindu holy city of Prayaga (also known as Allahabad) in India for the Ardh Kumbh Mela, the world's largest religious festival and also the world's largest gathering up until that point the Catholic World Youth Day celebrations held every 2-3 years since the 1970s, had recorded the largest gatherings of people* }) I'd never watched an inaugural live before, I probably won't again...he's just a man...with a lot of power because he is very popular. When I saw Pope JPII in Toronto, he also was just a man, but he represented Jesus Christ and celebrated mass for the people...I guess I'm comparing these events because that is the way people are striking me in their devotion and love for Obama. It reminds me of how I feel about the Pope and my faith, and the energy of both crowds are similar. But the reasons for it are very different. If people are putting all of that energy and faith into a mere man, if that is true I find it a little scary. No man should be your god. That whole Messiah thing, well, I hope that theory is wrong. Because if people are expecting that its delusional and bad for everyone. I just pray he doesn't do any damage. That is usually what I pray for for all politicians. I prayed for George Bush everyday, that he end the war and that he not do damage. And for Obama I will pray everyday, for conversion of heart to respect the unborn and to not do damage. Political rant done.

I think because I'm learning so much about St. Paul lately that I've become very idealistic and absolute about things in my mind. His letters are very implicit, loving, reprimanding and powerful. And the more I read and learn and understand him and his letters, the more I realize that the areas of gray in regards to fundamental moral teachings and guidelines, to a Christian, are not up for debate. Living in the socio-economic and moral climate in which we do, its' refreshing to be able to see things through Paul's eyes. Everyday I want to be who God wants me to be, and to do as much good as possible.

That being said, I have a staff retreat tomorrow from 9:30-12:00 preceded by mass at 9:00am and followed by a birthday luncheon for our sexton Girma and our bookkeeper Marcia...and I know I'm not as kind of heart as I should be....and have VERY far to go...because all i can think is...Friday is supposed to be my day off...

I do things things I do not want to do and do not do the things I should...

ah well, I will just go and choose to be happy and 'do it'...because I must do or do not, there is no try...