"Humankind cannot bear very much reality"- T.S. Eliot

Sometimes I wish that life were easier, but if it were I wouldn't know that it was, so screw that.
Adversity has forced me to either become a stronger person or give up on life. Giving up on life is boring and pathetic so I guess I've hit the spiritual gym. I should probably stop self-analyzing long enough to hit the real gym, but that is what tomorrow is for.

Its funny that I realized I needed to get a better game face for life by watching movies. I watched an amazing movie, "Return of the King" and a really cool movie, "Constantine" this past weekend. And in the midst of my apathetic little excursion into television I realized something. That I always cry when Frodo gets on that boat at the end and leaves The Shire and Samwise and everything he fought for, not only because of how touching it is or how awesome the musical score is, or even the nostalgia for the first time I read the book and cried, but more deeply, because if it were me I wouldn't want to go and because its not fair. Heroic, amazingly poetic and profound, but not fair.

Then I was angry because they cut out the credits and Annie Lennox singing 'Into the West' and then I watched Constantine.

I had heard good things about this movie but had not seen it before. And aside from a few theological issues with Catholic Church teaching, it was pretty spot on. I mean I'm not sure about Lucifer's tattoos or Gabriel being such a dirt bag, but other than that, yeah, it was cool.
There were three quotes that stuck out to me. The first was, "You KNOW, you don't believe, there is a difference". Sometimes I wonder if I would have faith in everything if not for the things I have witnessed and experienced. The second is "God I know I'm not your favorite person right now, and that I'm not welcome in your house. But I could really use some attention." I have felt that way so often lately, so it really spoke to me, even if it was in Keanu Reeves' voice. The third quote was, "Its definitely mostly not about the girl." That one brought me back to the whole 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' thing, which I still debate with myself over. I've only ever been in love once and I think I would rather not have loved actually, but whatever that was years ago. Anyway, those lines really got my attention, because I've been dying to go head to head with the Big Guy lately over how unfair things have been recently. SPOILER ALERT, Constantine doesn't die, although he is willing to. But he doesn't get the girl either, because his mission, his focus, and his desires are so far beyond the temporal things of normal human nature, they transcend giving into our own desires and wants and enter into that realm of 'greater good', 'self-sacrifice' and heroism...

So I was thinking about why the unfairness thing agitates my soul so greatly, and why I've been a completely resistant servant lately when God is trying to call me to step up my game and take my 'yes' to a new level. And it is one thing when things are unfair for someone else, even a literary character like Frodo or a 'movie star' like Keanu Reeves. And its another when you have to make the choice to put yourself in that position and make those real sacrifices that effect the rest of your own life, not knowing if it will end up in your favor.
I was talking to my friend Chris Ortega about all of this and he said the following, "But if the sacrifices you make don't hurt, and you don't feel the pain of your choices and decisions in your life that you give to God, then they are not real."

So for Frodo I cry in sympathy and also thanksgiving that its not me. And for Constantine I feel more like what happens to him sucks, he does all that and still ends up with the short end pretty much. And for me, I decide to go head to head with God about everything that I'm pissed about...and of course I lose, because he is God. And now I'm trying to deal with the whole sacrifice thing on a real level of selflessness rather than self pity.

Its like I feel like I've earned some secret right, just by believing and serving God, to not have things turn to crap, to feel entitled to find love and to be happy and healthy and be making a huge difference in the world. But that is not necessarily true, and if I REALLY believe, than I have to accept the fact that maybe it is not going to be okay. And therein lies the reference to the T.S. Eliot quote, "Humankind cannot bear very much reality" and I couldn't before, and maybe I still can't but at least I'm aware of it now. And I find it slightly ironic that I found this out by escaping from reality by watching television, which I vow to do less of in the future.
Oh, and of course these are merely observations, I am in no way comparing my life or sacrifices to those of Frodo...though it would be bitchingly cool to be John Constantine, minus the lung cancer...and being Keanu Reeves, and a man...