grief, love and perspective

I just returned from an unexpected quick trip to Philadelphia to see one of my best friends and NET teammates, Brianna. Her younger brother died last Tuesday and the funeral was yesterday and I really wanted to be there for her.

We are very close, and Brianna is someone that I know will always be there for me...but both of our lives have been in such a state of fluctuation, financial issues and overall stressful situations that the last time we spent together was a few weeks during the summer of 2005....I have missed her and we have made plans that have gotten canceled over and over again.

Finally we made plans for Halloween weekend this year and it was all set...and Friday morning she left a message that something had happened with her family, please call, she can't make it...

We played phone tag all weekend...and it wasn't until Monday evening that I found out the 'thing' that had happened with her family was her 21 year old brother Michael's apparent drug overdose that was not uncovered for several days. Brianna was devastated, and also being a rock for her family.

I drove down to Philly and went to the funeral and mourned with Michael's friends and family, listened to touching and beautiful sentiments shared by Brianna and her siblings Katie and Andrew. I hugged and cried with her parents and cousins and friends, played with Katie's two young children, and talked music with Andrew who is an amazing drummer. I didn't know Michael well at all, but you don't need to know someone well to be able to mourn them...and seeing the love coupled with grief in the Duffy family put a lot of things in perspective for me...

I refuse to let stress or money or inconvenience or distance,s top me from loving and being with the people that I care about. Sometimes we don't have tomorrow. I'm not going to waste a moment of it taking anything or anyone for granted.

Seeing Brianna's parents so broken by losing Michael broke my heart, and reminded me that my own family had felt such a tragedy also and that God can be present in any and all circumstances...seeing the love shared by their family gave me hope for their eventual healing, and knowing that "All things work for good for those who serve the Lord" put my concerns for mankind in general at bay.

Its so hard to see a young life snuffed out before its time, this is the fourth young man's funeral I've gone to in a year, and in all of them the horrible disease of addiction is rearing its head in our culture and our youth and that makes me feel frustrated and angry and somewhat helpless...

But, we cannot sit idly by. We can pray and provide help and support to organizations and people that are trying to help fight for this cause. Anyone out there reading this, please support your local DARE office as per the request of the Duffy family.

I remind myself also that the Lord's ways are not our ways. I have a feeling that when we get to heaven it will be like turning the light on in a dark room that we have been trying to imagine or grasp at on our own...when all is illuminated, when we are present in the glory of God...

I'm reminded of the famous verse in the book of Revelation, "and he shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more; neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain, any more: the first things are passed away."

Better times are always ahead of us, even if it is not until we get to heaven, and for myself I'm going to live in the moment and I really don't want to emotionally invest in political rhetoric (I did vote, but it didn't hold much significance for me with these more important things on my mind) or sports (The Duffys are huge Phillies fans...so I didn't fight off the Mets fan razzzzzing- I took it like trooper....and I let it go for now anyway....), or anything on television ( a friend's grandma jokingly called TV "Satan's tabernacle"....but then again, there was a great Peru South Park episode last week...I'm only human!) or my job's drama that was flaring up a bit (I'm working really hard to leave work drama at work and with those that create it...it belongs to them, not to me).

I know that I try to be the best version of myself that I can and I love my family and friends. I pray for them everyday, and I miss them and I'm going to make more of an effort to visit and call more often. I'm excited to be taking off for Christmas this year for the first time in 4 years, well its a start!

Overall, the last few days have been emotionally and physically draining and I officially hate the George Washington Bridge, tolls, the Jersey Turnpike, driving in Philly in general and any and all Canadian truckers....

The past few days I felt really empty at times and had to remind myself to have faith regardless of whether I FELT that faith or not. Funerals and burials and grief are so emotionally surreal for me while being clearly based in strong physical reality, and these experiences are acutely painful for most people. At times it can make me cynically question human nature a bit as well, funerals can seem like some strange mix between paying respects and voyeurism.

I believe the human condition is one that lends itself easily to faith as well as to the rejection of it. Faith for many is a status quo type of thing, it goes up during prosperity, and during trials, many try to fight faith off with a stick of logic as their weapon of choice. Then there is also the aspect of the reality in the midst of our grief that we will go one day as well.

For me, I don't believe I have as many questions about death as most people do, because of my faith. I try to use my logic to explain my faith rather than try to explain it away. None are more grief stricken during times like this than those without faith, so thankfully Brianna's family has a strong faith, tested now in fire.

All this being said...I still feel very drained and tired and sad...

All my thoughts and prayers remain with the Duffy family. Please pray for them too.