Hallelujah...couldn't resist :) :)

Santa Claus is Thumbin' to Town....

I love Relient K...

So I posted two of the songs off of their Christmas Album that I am listening to while at work....The happy loud funk beats keep my focused adn working quickly :) :)


I'm an easy sell :)

Our band is working on a cover of the Song "I Celebrate the Day"...hope we get it ready by Christmas Eve :) :)

I Celebrate The Day

BUNDY

But UNfortunately Not Dead Yet

urban dictionary is my favorite...

work...need to make work my new favorite...

blast!!dagnabit!

FUBAR

f-ed up beyond all repair/recognition/reason...

I like soldiers' WWII slang - derived to explain horrific military situations and also sounded like a German word 'furchtbar' that meant 'horrible or frightening'

as in 'das ist furchtbar!'

and there you have it..the oiriginal a-i-m speak...OMG!



what the heck am I blogging about..um nothing...

'ahhh son, but that one, the randomest of all blogs was sadly to be deleted.'

'and so it should be, and so it should'

and I'm spent

a strange and rambling thought process

Do you ever feel like you're right on the edge of understanding everything on a completely deeper and more comprehensive level? I'm talking like meaning of life, existence, humanity, greatness, existential thought...that kind of understanding. And it can be right there on the tip of your brain...and you kind of get euphoric for a moment because every puzzle piece in your mind is just about to fall into place and make sense in a complete and fulfilling way....and then...it is just.....gone...
This feeling is surreal when the grasp of thought is present and then suddenly absent, it feels like being half awake and not knowing if your dreaming or not. It feels as if you are not able to remember what your dream was about, except that this feeling is happening while you are wide awake, and circling around your own personal grasp on reality...

I don't know if I'm just too ADHD or perpetually anxious to be able to concentrate on any one thing long enough to phrase out my thought process, but I had a theory about this feeling that I get when I almost understand life...and then don't at all.

I think that maybe its my brain trying to force itself into the 90% that goes unused and succeeding, but only for a brief moment and then shutting down. I've always thought that probably all the true gifted genius in our world extends from some greater mental ability to tap into more of the human brain's power...I'm talking like Socrates, Aristotle, Galileo, Shakespeare, Einstein, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Descartes, Kierkegaard, that type of mental stature and artistic and mental genius...

And with that theory at work, I'm a bit more content to be utterly mentally average (perhaps above the MTV minions...but not much beyond ordinary) and I stop grasping at my elusive thoughts...because all of those true geniuses had pretty severely messed up personal lives...I mean Van Gogh cut his ear off, Freud was obsessive, if you look at these great minds - they have severe societal problems...It reminds me of a foolish Spider Man type of analogy: "With great power comes great responsibility" but more along the lines of, "With great knowledge comes great emotional instability and distress"

I guess I'll stick to my personal Status Quo- Singing songs about Jesus, getting frustrated with my petty career struggles, reading books about vampires like a stupid teenage girl, just getting through the day any way I can, spending too much time on YouTube, and sending stupid emails...

And with my comfy little insignificant status quo life will come just the plain old regular and ordinary level of dysfunction and distress, un-enlightened by any great mental ability on my part :) and I will contribute nothing great and struggle nothing great. But I will listen to Mother Theresa, "We cannot do great things, but little things with great love". So I guess I will just try to love more in what I do, and leave the rest of it to God.




But sometimes those moments of mental clarity are so beautiful...maybe there will be some semblance of that in heaven...

Linus explain the dealio - The dealio of Christmas...

Flightless Bird, American Mouth....

Cool song I'm falling in love with....its a little out there..but the melody is so sweet and it makes me think about the realities adn emotionl impact of situations far beyond the silly obscurity of the lyrics...
Its very melancholy, and I'm feeling it a bit right now...either the song is enhancing it or causing it, I can't tell definitely so its probably a bit of both...
But I'm not sad, I'm actually really happy. Everything is brought into focus for some reason. I'm not going to question it, just enjoy it while it lasts.

'Flightless Bird, American Mouth' by Iron&Wine
lyrics:

I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins

All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys

Then when the cops closed the fair,

I cut my long baby hair

Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you

Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth

Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat

Nursing my sore blunt tongue

Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks

Pissing on magazine photos

Those fishing lures thrown in the cold

And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you

Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, american mouth

Big pill stuck going down

Getting in the holiday Spirit

The top 25 Christmas movies of all time...according to moviefone?!?!?!?

Some of these (I feel) are WAY off!!!!...starting with:

25. The Polar Express- I couldn't stomach it..what a horrible thing to do to a classic children’s book!!!bad..tom hanks... bad bad...no... stop it....

24. We’re No Angels- never heard of it, maybe I’m uncultured??? Humphrey Bogart...

23. The Muppet Christmas Carol_ Michael Kane and Kermit- GAH!!

22. Joyeux Noel- This is one I would like to see. it is an incredible story about the ceasefire on Christmas during WWI, but I like my war movies on Veteran’s and Memorial days, maybe on the fourth of July...not so much Christmas

21. Gremlins- Now we’re talking!!! and I love it even if that makes me a dork. Mogwai+Christmas=love "bright light bright light!"


20. The Santa Clause- Shoot me now. This movie sucked so much. Actually, the 15 minutes I watched sucked, I'm guessing about the rest of it...


19. Bad Santa- I actually haven’t seen this but have heard it was funny, if crude…( which is kind of why I didn't see it...Billy bob kind of grosses me out...I can take a gross comedy but not on Jesus' birthday....)

18. The Dead- Another classic, um haven’t seen it, but the story by James Joyce was good…not a huge fan of Anjelica Houston though and the title kind of makes me not want to watch it on Christmas.


17. The Shop around the Corner- Okay, I thought I knew my movies...I would like to see this I did not know that the 'You’ve Got Mail' debacle was based on a classic…with Jimmy Stewart even!!!


16. Die Hard- W-O-W best Christmas action in town...amazing flick "Yippie-Ki-yay..."

15. Love Actually- um that movie was so dumb, and more like ‘sex actually’ pretentious self-absorbed Brits sleeping with each other on the holidays…no thank you…

14. The Bishop’s Wife- a classic of course and better than 'The Preacher’s Wife' remake, but not one of my 'must see's at Christmas


13. The Nightmare before Christmas- I think I am one of the few people that has not seen this movie…Krissy’s favorite J

12. Holiday Inn- LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie!!!I have always loved this film, this is the first time White Christmas was sung.


11. A Christmas Carol (1951 version with Alastair Sim) This is a good version that kind of creeps me out…in the good Dickens way of course...

10. National Lampoon’s Christmas vacation- Chevy Chase at his finest…


9. Babes in Toyland- No no no. This one always gave me freaky nightmares as a child…Laurel and Hardy just are creep-tastic

8. Home Alone- used to love it…it can get so overdone though, its played-out


7. Christmas in Connecticut- never seen it, or heard of it…Barbara Stanwyk…1942

6.ELF- is there awesome in this movie? Than YES!


5. White Christmas- One of my all-time favorite’s since I was a kid…I love Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye in this movie, its so much fun

4. Scrooged- AMAZING, gives me the warm fuzzy when they staple antlers to the mice....

3. Miracle on 34th Street- More of a Thanksgiving movie for me…but of course a great movie , "You're Intoxicated!"


2. It’s a wonderful Life- This should not be number 2…

1. A Christmas Story- I would flip this one with "Its a Wonderful Life"

Those last two are the best of all time...I have to watch them every year...

So what would you add to this list?????

my person additions...in no way does this make these movies great, I just like them...

Bells of St. Mary's- C'mon people at moviefone...what the heck!!!????

The Ref- I'm a sucker for Dennis Leary

Jingle All the Way- Its so horrible that its funny...one of Phil Hartman's last movies. Arnold is terrible and so is Sinbad, but Phil's scenes are great...and "I know what I'm talking about because I Went to junior college for a semester and I studied Psychology"

The Family Stone- I liked Luke Wilson and Rachel McAdams in this..it was kind of cute...if overly sentimental adn proud of itself...

I know they aren't movies but 'Christmas Specials' but I love:
'A Charlie Brown Christmas" is amazing...
and
"How The Grinch Stole Christmas" every who down in whoville gives it two thumbs up....and
"The House without a Christmas Tree"...*tear*


here is a list of the ten worst Christmas movies of all time...http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/top-5/the-ten-worst-christmas-movies-of-all-time.php
but that list forgets..."Christmas comes to Willow Creek" which reunited those pesky Duke boys....

Well, I've got to get back to work at my little parish here in CT...The youth group is in charge of making 120 Thanksgiving baskets for the poor...The secretary and I are preparing...we're sorting all of the food, turkeys and pies in the garage (which looks like a grocery store right now (PRAISE GOD!!!) AND our resident Santa Clause (aka Richard Zotti..he has an AMAZING beard) just dropped off a Christmas tree (my hands smell and feel like sap) for our fair on Saturday AND we have to print up all the programs for the Ecumenical Thanksgiving service on Sunday evening...AND I have to go to liqueur store and get more empty boxes to put he food in for the families because we ran out...so now I'm going to be like, "Hello Happy thanksgiving, here is your basket of food...yes that is a Smirnoff box..." classy I know....

I'm losing my mind a little bit...

Maybe if I watch more movies I can forget reality enough to function robotically this year.

"Now Harry, Sam, have a lot of fun..."

And I'm done...because I'm not nearly

Top Chef New York! My life needs more meaning...

So this past Sunday I was late for work because Chris and Krissy and I watched a Top Chef marathon...well I watched, krissy was packing and watching and Chris mocked..but it was a really funny show...Ilan defeated Marcel!!! Yay!

The new season premiered last night. Top Chef New York..
tag line "With over 650,00 food service workers in the city that never sleeps...the competition is fiercer than ever before...if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere." said over dramatic music...

After eliminations from a challenge of who could peel 15 apples the fastest with a pearing knife...which led to apples covered in blood...but well peeled....one 'top chef' candidate was sent to 'pack up your knives and go home' before ever getting to see the Top Chef kitchen *tear* poor Lauren, she really wantred to be Top Chef!

They took the remaining 16 top chefs and sent them in pairs to different parts of the city to be inspired to make ethnic food...i.e. China Town, Little Italy, Astoria, Brighten Beach...etc...
and unfortunately yet inevitably another chef was eliminated later for a sub-par chinese dish with 'gummy' rice noodles...and you call yourself a CHEF!!!! its back to the Culinary Institue of America for Patrick...so sad...he really wanted to be Top Chef too!

They have quite a collection of chefs...the three gay ones call themselves "Team Rainbow" and the two Europeans think , "its really time for a European to be Top Chef" Yes because winning an american game show will prove to the world that they are wrong in that age old assumption thatAmerican chef's are superior to European ones....wow... Another chef from Miami runs around teh kitchen talking to himself like a crazy person adn is constantly talking about his looks and how he always makes sure his waitstaff checks his hair before he goes out front...
its going to fun watching this.

In the scenes for next week...one of the really mean judges is seen spitting into a napkin and saying "I have found the weapns of mass destruction...and they are in this bowl." That pretty much made my night..I can't wait until next Wednesday...somehow seeing really arrogant chefs reduced to tears by pompous judges for an hour really makes me feel good about myself...

I shouldn't watch...but I know I probably will...

good day to you

grief, love and perspective

I just returned from an unexpected quick trip to Philadelphia to see one of my best friends and NET teammates, Brianna. Her younger brother died last Tuesday and the funeral was yesterday and I really wanted to be there for her.

We are very close, and Brianna is someone that I know will always be there for me...but both of our lives have been in such a state of fluctuation, financial issues and overall stressful situations that the last time we spent together was a few weeks during the summer of 2005....I have missed her and we have made plans that have gotten canceled over and over again.

Finally we made plans for Halloween weekend this year and it was all set...and Friday morning she left a message that something had happened with her family, please call, she can't make it...

We played phone tag all weekend...and it wasn't until Monday evening that I found out the 'thing' that had happened with her family was her 21 year old brother Michael's apparent drug overdose that was not uncovered for several days. Brianna was devastated, and also being a rock for her family.

I drove down to Philly and went to the funeral and mourned with Michael's friends and family, listened to touching and beautiful sentiments shared by Brianna and her siblings Katie and Andrew. I hugged and cried with her parents and cousins and friends, played with Katie's two young children, and talked music with Andrew who is an amazing drummer. I didn't know Michael well at all, but you don't need to know someone well to be able to mourn them...and seeing the love coupled with grief in the Duffy family put a lot of things in perspective for me...

I refuse to let stress or money or inconvenience or distance,s top me from loving and being with the people that I care about. Sometimes we don't have tomorrow. I'm not going to waste a moment of it taking anything or anyone for granted.

Seeing Brianna's parents so broken by losing Michael broke my heart, and reminded me that my own family had felt such a tragedy also and that God can be present in any and all circumstances...seeing the love shared by their family gave me hope for their eventual healing, and knowing that "All things work for good for those who serve the Lord" put my concerns for mankind in general at bay.

Its so hard to see a young life snuffed out before its time, this is the fourth young man's funeral I've gone to in a year, and in all of them the horrible disease of addiction is rearing its head in our culture and our youth and that makes me feel frustrated and angry and somewhat helpless...

But, we cannot sit idly by. We can pray and provide help and support to organizations and people that are trying to help fight for this cause. Anyone out there reading this, please support your local DARE office as per the request of the Duffy family.

I remind myself also that the Lord's ways are not our ways. I have a feeling that when we get to heaven it will be like turning the light on in a dark room that we have been trying to imagine or grasp at on our own...when all is illuminated, when we are present in the glory of God...

I'm reminded of the famous verse in the book of Revelation, "and he shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more; neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain, any more: the first things are passed away."

Better times are always ahead of us, even if it is not until we get to heaven, and for myself I'm going to live in the moment and I really don't want to emotionally invest in political rhetoric (I did vote, but it didn't hold much significance for me with these more important things on my mind) or sports (The Duffys are huge Phillies fans...so I didn't fight off the Mets fan razzzzzing- I took it like trooper....and I let it go for now anyway....), or anything on television ( a friend's grandma jokingly called TV "Satan's tabernacle"....but then again, there was a great Peru South Park episode last week...I'm only human!) or my job's drama that was flaring up a bit (I'm working really hard to leave work drama at work and with those that create it...it belongs to them, not to me).

I know that I try to be the best version of myself that I can and I love my family and friends. I pray for them everyday, and I miss them and I'm going to make more of an effort to visit and call more often. I'm excited to be taking off for Christmas this year for the first time in 4 years, well its a start!

Overall, the last few days have been emotionally and physically draining and I officially hate the George Washington Bridge, tolls, the Jersey Turnpike, driving in Philly in general and any and all Canadian truckers....

The past few days I felt really empty at times and had to remind myself to have faith regardless of whether I FELT that faith or not. Funerals and burials and grief are so emotionally surreal for me while being clearly based in strong physical reality, and these experiences are acutely painful for most people. At times it can make me cynically question human nature a bit as well, funerals can seem like some strange mix between paying respects and voyeurism.

I believe the human condition is one that lends itself easily to faith as well as to the rejection of it. Faith for many is a status quo type of thing, it goes up during prosperity, and during trials, many try to fight faith off with a stick of logic as their weapon of choice. Then there is also the aspect of the reality in the midst of our grief that we will go one day as well.

For me, I don't believe I have as many questions about death as most people do, because of my faith. I try to use my logic to explain my faith rather than try to explain it away. None are more grief stricken during times like this than those without faith, so thankfully Brianna's family has a strong faith, tested now in fire.

All this being said...I still feel very drained and tired and sad...

All my thoughts and prayers remain with the Duffy family. Please pray for them too.

Happy times in Clinton, CT

I'm feeling really fulfilled and purposeful, if not super busy beyond all recognition at work these days.

Sometimes its easy to get complacent and it took a really great surge of parent and teen involvement to get me excited again. Since I make my own schedule, set my own goals, and plan all of my own activities for work, its easy for me, if something doesn't turnout how I want it to, to give up or not put as much energy and time into it as I normally would.

Year four must be when all the blood sweat (several concussions) and tears, start to pay off for Youth Ministry...

update grades 6-8- tough crowd, but overall very awesome...last year 100 kids by the end of the year...this year 120 on the first day and 5- 10 more each week so far...and they were respectful and sang and did their little evangelization skits...okay there was that kid in the back yelling out "Atheism Rules"...but hey, we'll take it slow :)

Now the High School crowd is the one that is really surprising me, I have 5 parents showing up to help me every Sunday Night, Which I've never had here in Clinton before this year! A normal Sunday night high school crowd at its peak was at around 15-25 (that's ranging HIGH) for the last three years...for the past three weeks we have had 40-55 kids showing up, bringing their friends who aren't even Catholic, and not just coming to the group but also to the mass, asking to join band, asking for me to plan activities, service projects, and parties for them. Yes, I lost some points when I wouldn't let them play Call of Duty 4 (rated MA for extreme violence, gore and language) during the game night, but we ended up cool. and Yes, there were a few conversations I heard that weren't the best or most uplifting...but we'll take it slow there too...they are all God's children and I feel very blessed right now to have a successful program going on...


Costume Party this Sunday...YAY

Monster Macaroni Bash....annual traditional St. Mary's family dinner and costume party...the teens and I will be decorating and serving the food...exciting costume parade as well...par-tay woot.

no mas por favor....

I have decided not to watch or listen to anything else that is election related, be it CNN, FOX News, NPR or SNL, until November 4th. I will read selective things of my own choosing, but I am so sick of the partisan rhetoric that is killing our country...I'm sick of Obama, I'm Sickof Biden, I'm sick of McCain and Palin, and even Joe the Plumber...no one gets it at all and I AM DONE!
Ron Paul '08 :)

Christine and Philippe :) <3

I was honored to stand up as a bridesmaid for my best friend Christine (Jumpeter) Corbet this past weekend and I was so blessed by the experience. I found a new hope and love in myself through their love for each other.

I was able to spend real quality time with her for days, and it seemed like it has been so long since we just had that time. It is so strange. When someone is a daily part of your life from the age of five, you just take it for granted that they will always be there. When Christine went off to college, we always stayed int ouch, but that daily presence was gone, and this weekend it was present again, along with the firm foundation of lifelong friendship that cannot be disturbed. Christine has been as strong steadfast and faithful friend, always, generous, loving, fun and very crazy :) and I realize how lucky I am to count her as my friend. Philippe is a wonderful man who truly loves her, is as giving and loving as she is and can always make everyone laugh and relax in an easy manner. It is so beautiful seeing to people bring out the best in each other and to share their love with family and friends.

Weddings can be so cookie cutter and cliche and theirs was truly unique, incorporating many French traditions from Philippe's home and although i couldn't communicate very well with the groomsmen, I believe it is a true testament that Philippe is the same type of steadfast person that Christine is, that so many people came over 3000 miles to be a part of his wedding. It was relaxed and fun and not over the top, the whole weekend truly reflected Christine and Philippe's personalities and character.

I've been so stressed out lately and emotional and bogged down in work for year's it seems...its funny that a four day weekend could do so much for my psyche. I hadn't been to a wedding since John and Michelle's, where I was also a bridesmaid and happened to be in love at the time...

I lost most of my faith in love and relationships or any desire for marriage in general after that, no matter how hard Jr and Michelle would pray and invite me down and I would witness them with each other and my goddaughter Andrea, and they restored my faith in marriage and love itself but I didn't feel any different about me...

I reconnected not only with Christine, Phillipe, Matt and Angelo( I also got to meet Angelo's girlfriend FINALLY), but I reconnected with the person they knew for all those years growing up, the foundation of myself that is strong and smart and funny and as a good a friend to them as they are to me...I reconnected with what I want in life and with not letting things break me, I reconnected with JOY and true freeing happiness. Their love for each other was so apparent as they stood on the altar before God and all of us. They didn't have to do this, they were married three years ago by a justice of the peace. Some people think maybe it was just for the party etc...but if you saw them on the altar it was so much more than that, it was a public declaration and sharing of their love and their marriage as they had it blessed by God in that beautiful church. I took one look at her walking down the aisle with Chuck and Cookie and I was crying, because she was I guess, but mainly just because I was overwhelmed with the joy and love int he room, and I know that was the Holy Spirit, awakening in me by the love present in that church, for Christine and Philippe from all of their friends and family, from God to all of us and from them to each other...that is a lot of love!

The more I thought about it, the more joyful I felt.
catching up with Angelo and Matt was great. I love Christine's family, they know how to party. The 'Frenchies' As we called them were so much fun to hang out with.

I guess for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel like a guest or an outsider, or like I didn't have love anymore...I felt like a part of this beautiful group of family and friends, very much a part of it. I felt as if I was right where I belonged.

As I celebrated with Christine and Philippe I had so many hopes for their future to be blessed and felt so loved that they wanted me to be such a big part of their special day.

I love God for giving me a friend like Christine. I know she will always be there for me, because she always has. And I'm so happy that she has Philippe in her life, because they love each other so much and I know they will always take care of each other.

Safe trip back to France for the Frenchies!
Safe trip to Hawaii for bride and groom!

And I just want to hang on to my joy that I found in rediscovering love in my life and the hope I have for my future. I want to always feel like this true version of myself, that can be at peace and not anxious or stressed by the opinions of others or affected negatively by their actions. I want the positive love filled atmosphere that renewed my perspective to be present in my memories when the 'spirit snipers' (public enemy reference) try to steal my joy. I want to always remember who I am , how strong I am, how loved I am, and not have the actions and moods of others effect mine here in CT anymore. I want to forget that failed relationship and move on towards love in my life. One of my friends helped me with that when I even mentioned my ex for a moment saying, "Please Annie, he really wasn't worthy of you. You can't waste anymore emotion on him." I realized how right that was and how right it felt. I saw myself as my friends saw me int hat moment, as a caring and loving person devoted to God family and friends, and I realized that the person I spent so much time grieving had not valued my feelings. I have finally closed that door for good and it feels so amazing! Not even sad, just relief, and I never thought I would get there...its nice place, peace...I want to stay here.

my 'At Least' perspective..because that is the only option left..

Still in a bit of a funk over Shea Stadium...





Was checking out this site today...



http://www.ballparksofbaseball.com/Current%20Ballparks.htm





I think maybe loving something, anything at all, means eventual heartache...







I was looking at all the 'stadiums of the past' on this site, and thinking of all the fields that were demolished because the teams left the city...





I guess at the end of the day, even though they suck, and maybe a little because they do...we still have our Mets.





Thank you William Shea.
At least I got to spend as much time there as I did...great times, with great people.




At least we'll always have the memories of Shea, and maybe make some new ones at Citi Field, though it will never be the same. At least they're not shipping of to Cali, where my dad says, "they keep all the fruits and nuts" at least we'll still have our obnoxious noise of LGA overhead...

At least we still have a place to go watch our boys lose and sometimes win...





At least for Met fans, we know we're real fans...not like those Bornx front runners that complain and point the finger everytime they're not winning, which *gasp* means someone else is, and that they suck. The way they treated Joe Torre and sounded off about not making the playoffs this year just goes to show what little girls they are.

At least the Mets invited the people and players they screwed over the years, back to the closing ceremonies at Shea...Ah well, Torre was too busy with the playoffs anyway to go back to the BX anyway...and I mean I have no lost love for Torre anyway





Met fans go to games, we go to love and hate our boys, when they win and lose..there is passion in the stands, booing or cheering, and that is real love for a real team...





Looking at the stadium charts on that website I counted up the stadiums where I've seen games... San Diego and Atlanta were probably the most horrific...teams in Pennant races, with thousands and thousands of empty seats...
1 run ball games with the 'fans' that did show up talking about what was on tv the previous night and leaving in the 7th inning...Turner Field had more Met fans in my section than Braves fans...and they weren't even yelling at us! At Angels Stadium, the fans were excited, I guess, but that was the year they won the series...I've been to 9 National League parks and 6 American League ones ...and they all had something unique. I did get to go down the slide at Miller Park in Wisconsin, freeze my but off at Coors Field, Eat at a sit dowm Restaurant in Right Field in Maryland, see Disneyland and its fireworks in Anahiem( fireworks EVERY night would get old I imagine), just sit there in Minnesota, and swim at the BoB in Arizona, but none were home like Shea was..because of the memories there...





But also...as much as you have the love hate with the team, you have the love hate with other Mets fans as well...and no where, in all my travels...have I ever seen fans like Met fans....


Lord save us from the BX bombers and Red Sox nation...ugghhh..it almost felt sacriligious to be physiclaly present at those stadiums...give me a dirtied up Shea surrounded by friends family, other families, and loud obnoxiouos yankee fans who get into drunken fights with loud obnoxious met fans...I'll take that ANY DAY...over the peaceful, amenity filled, beautiful civilization of Camden Yards...



At least we can try to bring that fan grit to the new park.
At least we can hope
At least we can remember
At least we can dream

And the Metsies they have five month reprieve to 'find themselves' AGAIN


Maybe they will :


Fire Minaya...


Get the Wilpons will sell...


Not choke


Bury the Phillies in last place

Ring in the new park with such postseason glory that we can learn to love a new home...in a new way


But those are just the hopes for another season, in the 'just wait til next year' fashion...


At least, no matter what happens they will still be our team, like a marriage, for better or for worse...just seems like a lot more worse lately

"We'll always have Shea"

Not Over It

So I keep thinking about the Mets...and I just can't get over it...

I had a dream last night of the end of the '99 season, with Kenny Rogers walking in the winning run at Turner Field...I woke up nauseous as I remembered how awful and anti climactic that night had felt.... after going to three playoff games that year...after my sister and I had been at the 15 inning game in the pouring rain that ended in a Robin Ventura walk-off single grand slam and pushed a game six. I remember we didn't care that we were freezing and soaked to the bone and it was nearly midnight. I remember how those row T Upper Deck seats were better than any luxury box I'd ever been in...

I can't believe that was nine years ago...

I can believe the Mets are still just as good at breaking my heart...

I remember going to games in the mid nineties...59 wins in 93 had to be my personal favorite...Frank Tanana and Anthony Young combining for 31 loses...great stuff...but we went to games anyway...watched the Doc lose and lose as his career wound down and drug use caught up with him...what a decade....the decade of wretched and never ending rebuilding and buying of ragtag players that, if they were ever to perform in the majors at all, it wouldn't be in a Met uniform... I'm speaking of the likes of Eddie Murray, Tim Bogar, Vince Coleman, Rico Brogna, Jeff Kent, Joe Orsulak, David Segui, Bobby Bonilla, Todd Hundley, Carlos Baerga, Jason Isringhausen... the never ending horrific runstyle of players...

Those summers were nearly unendurable, but going to a game was always great, because as much as you hated for them to lose, you loved the team and what they stood for...and it was beautiful to see them finally start to make something of themselves by the end of the decade...The days when they were on the cover of Sports illustrated with the best infield in baseball, Olerud, Alfonzo, Ordonez and Ventura...add Bobby Jones and Al Lieter on the mound and John Franco and Turk Wendell in the Bullpen and it felt like an era again...

After all the ups and downs through the years, and remembering the glory of '86 as a child, I just felt it was time...like they couldn't lose..but they did...in '99 and again in 2000, after losing the World series to the Yanks I felt numb, like I wouldn't expect anything much, like the mid-nineties...just enjoy the game for what it is, but don't expect much...

I start to think that maybe I'm just spoiled as I think of all the fans out there that have never had a winning team and I realize that we were blessed with a lot of joy that most fans never see...

But, to quote my brother Chris, "Time will make bitches of us all"..and it has...in the past few years, with Wright and Reyes in the infield and the Carlos' hitting them out of the park...I dared to hope again...I could feel it again...the magic back at Shea...
but they couldn't pull it off...
I watched The White Sox pull off a game last night and as it ended with diving catch and earned them a post season spot...I heard the roar of their fans and imagined that it was David Wright doing that at Shea on this past Sunday and what that would have meant...and it hit me that I would never be in Shea as it shook again...

What makes it so much worse this year, is not just that I won't be there with family and friends to experience the Mets at Shea...but also that this team just doesn't have that kind of heart...and that Shea will no longer be a part of the future successes of the Mets, if there are any to come...

I feel as if they are paving over the heart and soul of what this team has always represented, that underdog ability to drag itself back to the postseason with heart...the soul that spawned the mantra "You Gotta Believe"

Believe in what now? Omar Minaya's ability to build a team? These Mets suddenly finding the ability to grow a pine and not choke? A corporate stadium that a family in Queens can't afford to attend?

I have very little left to believe...

Shea gave the Mets the soul they lacked....it shook on many occasions when I was fortunate to be at postseason games and firework nights....the boos in the 90s resonated in its cavernous and often empty Upper Deck

The problem is...now these players that care more about clocking in than winning and have no heart, won't even have the options of possibly drawing it from the past, not that they ever did, but hte potential is gone.

Shea is no more, The first base line of Mookie's magical miracle dribbler is gone forever....and Citi Field will be just another cookie cutter new park among many, with bright shinny things to stare at...all labeled with the latest sponsor...and very little heart...

and no one cares but the fans...

Modernday sport needs a Lord Stanley

My heart is still in mourning over the soulless new york metropolitans, the organization, the players, and the stadium that will house them all seem empty to me...no heart...

I was looking for an uplifting distraction and I read this today...

"I have for some time been thinking that it would be a good thing if there were a challenge cup, which would be held from year to year by the leading hockey club in Canada. There does not appear to be any outward sign of a championship at present, and considering the interest that hockey matches now elicit, I am willing to give a cup which shall be held annually by the winning club."

So mused Lord Stanley of Preston in 1892, at a sports banquet in Ottawa. The following year Canada's governor-general was true to his word, purchasing a silver bowl for $50 and naming it the Dominion Hockey Challenge Cup. Hockey folks went with a less formal designation, the Stanley Cup.
The first winner was a Montreal team that finished atop the Amateur Hockey Association of Canada, considered the best league going at the time. But in its early years, the prize was not exclusive to one hockey league, nor was it meant to be. It was a challenge cup, changing hands in much the same way as a boxing title. Contenders issued challenges, and the champions held the Cup for as long as they could fend off all comers. Independent trustees ensured that legitimate challenges were met on a regular basis.
In later years, as professionalism swept the game, it was accepted that the Stanley Cup could not remain exclusive to amateur teams. The Stanley Cup officially turned pro in 1910, when the National Hockey Association took possession of it. But it was not until 1926 that the National Hockey League emerged indisputably as the top league in North America, effectively taking control of the Cup. That control was formalized in an agreement signed with the Cup trustees in 1947.


Awesome story... 'as professionalism swept the game'...ugghhh more like a plague that steals the soul of sport...but at least the cup is a legacy that can't be torn down....

I haven't even been to a hockey game in like 6 years...and the only players I know on the Islanders are DiPietrio, because he's the goalie and Comrie, because he is old and the Capetian...but I just know the names... I used to really like it and go to games a lot in high school. Its not as important as baseball of course, but then again, it doesn't hurt as much when they suck because you're not expecting much...

anyway...

Nothing that resembles what Lord Stanley proposed truly exists anymore.....and it made me think about the issuance of a 'challenge' and playing for love of the game and for honor and striving for personal best and team work...every sport is so corrupt now...but I think hockey has it right...for the most part...because the market isn't as big as the other major sports in the US and Canada, at least not in a baseball town like NY...but in general the players make much less than your A-Rod's and Ramirez's who travel from team to team seeing who will pay the most...you don't see that as much in hockey...look at the greatest players in recent times...most played for one or two teams...'the great one', messier, limieux, jagr, roy, bossy, borque, trottier, federov(okay like 90s players or Isles guys because that is all I know...and federov is a major dirtbag...but whatever) they didn't move around as much as free agents, just two or three teams...maybe because hockey is less about the individual performance and much more focused on everyone one working together on the ice than other sports...

Anyway....the point is, I loved this little piece on the Stanley Cup...I picture Lord Stanley wearing a monocle while saying it and I picture frozen guys playing on ponds for the ultimate bragging rights....and that makes me happy :) :)




TANGENT

I have been thinking about hockey to distract myself from baseball...although I am rooting for an all Chicago World Series. I'm rooting for the Cubs, I love seeing 'curses' broken, and the Sox already broke theirs...except when the rangers broke theirs, that was tooooo bad.... :(

Go Sox tonight....the Mets could have used some of the heart the Sox showed yesterday to push tonights playoff game. I hope they beat the Twins...I've lived in Minnesotta and seen their team and been to their trash bag of a stadium...they and it both suck and I'm not a fan...

I don't have any love for the White Sox either...but if you love baseball and your team doesn't make it...October= Fan Free Agency... It lacks heart, but the players do it...why can't we?

Cubs winning the World Series??? hope so...lets face it they are the National League's best shot this year...we have to salvage something...maybe the Angels will get team food poisoning or something...

Evertyhing's changing

Internally- My brain is trying to change my emotions and perspectives. I wonder about my path more and more these days. I've always ( the last 7-8 years at least) been such a free spirit and wanderer, and really tried to not care about the future (often failing) and just live in the moment. As I get older and increasingly less solvent, I wonder how responsible that is...and my responsible side tells me its time to grow up more but I don't want to sell out either...

Locally- its getting cooler out, the Earth is shifting and as the leaves will soon change, the weather and atmosphere effect my moods and wardrobes... I feel like I put on melancholy along with my sweatshirts. In November and December they are cuddly and warm, but in September and October they make me angry and stubborn....I hate to relinquish summer. There is something so freeing about flip flops, yet that freedom must be relinquished to shoes in all their binding shackles....and all too soon I fear...

Socially- Christine is getting married next week... changes changes changes...I love weddings, hope and love and joy celebrated so fully...family and friends gathered, memories captured forever...and I love Christine and Philippe...for no one else would I wear floor length strapless taffeta...

Globally- The charade of an election is going to effect our country and our world in increasingly complete ways... I fear that it will be negatively... things are constantly changing but it seems so rarely that you hear even a whisper of it ever being for the better...I feel strongly that both 'our' candidates will take us in directions that are very unhealthy for our world.

Religiously- I always love seeing all the children come back to catechism in the fall, it has its ups and downs and the program has its supporters and detractors, but all in all, its is my favorite thing about the fall. At the end of the day, its is God who is in charge and this year I'm trying to let go of that control of always trying to make everyone happy and appeased and just be glad that people are in the house of the Lord. I'm trusting that he will do the rest if we just pray and give him our will and service. Letting go of that responsibility seems like it should be a simple thing, but its hard not to feel responsible when you are the one in charge of the program...humanity and divinity...Divinity wins out...I have to remember just to smile and do the leg work and God will change their hearts.

In relation to the Mets....I had a dream last night....I vow to never watch Sports Center at 3:00am again.. here it is.


Its cold...so cold, and their is grief in the air...."Lets go Mets!!!" is a cry that has been abandoned.... I see Mr Met on a bridge praying for his postseason after a strange adventure that Roberto Clemente came to take him on where he saw what life would be like without all the memories...1962, 1969, 1986, even 2000...that silly home run hat... without these, so many people would be without so much joy...no matter how much its sucks to be seeing how it will all turn out this year, Mr. Met doesn't lose faith anymore, having seen a world without any Mets at all and he beseeches.... "Please Lord...let me live again, I wanna live again" and the ghost of Casey Stengel pulls up..."CASE, hey you know me CASE???" To which Casey responds, "Know ya! I've been drivin all over Flushing tryin' to FIND ya!!!!" and they pull up to Shea just in time to watch the Mets beat the Brewers in the one-game playoff for the Wild Card, in an epic game at Shea...possibly the last one Shea will ever see....stay tuned


That is all I have to say today...

Its a Beautiful Day!!!

A friend of mine recently pointed out that most of my posts are sarcastic and melancholic...he enjoys them, but never comments (LOSER) but thinks I could be a bit more upbeat, especially for a minister...and I'm always one to please so here is a happy go lucky entry for the history books. But, in my own defense, I already have two 'religious' web pages, and this one was supposed to be my safe place to be angry and sarcastic :) :) lol

I got up today and it was gorgeous outside...I went for a walk on the beach before work and it was so peaceful that it made me feel hope and joy. I put my toes in and it was chilly ...and yet I kind of wanted to just jump in with all my clothes on and swim!!!

I had to get to work though, so I drove my struggling car and it didn't even bother me, because at least I have a car and i don't have to ride a bike, which wouldn't even be too bad until it gets colder...

i got to work and there was a bunch of red tape stuff with our text book order that has been going on for weeks and it finally all worked out today. And then we had a birthday party with the whole staff for the sexton Ken and it was really fun and we talked about sports and our lives and all the Spanish staff was there so i practiced mi espanol. Fr. Michael is planning a fourth trip to Peru next June and already trying to get me go....but I'm still on medication from last June so i doubt I will go, but its still so exciting how that ministry has grown from 3 people on the first trip to probably over 70 or 80 next June...It reminds me how much good there is in people and the world. And I think of my little Peruvian family and the orphans in Orapesa and my heart feels warm and full from the depth of that life changing experience.

And Now I am getting ready fro the weekend...On Sunday we have our Parish Picnic and I'm running the games!!!! Water balloon volleyball and sack races among other things :) :) I love being game master!!!! We will also have an international buffet from Fr. Michael (Indian) The Brazilians, and the Hispanics (food from 12 countries) to go along with the regular picnic fare Americana ( burger, dogs etc...)

We will have a magician, face painting, a DJ and live church band performances from all our music ministries in all languages. Its only 2-3 times a year that all of our different communities can get together like this and its exciting. IT should be really fun!!!!


In Ministry news We're organizing a major community clothing drive for the St. Vincent de Paul Society in Middletown, CT. All grades 6-12 taking part in publicity and collections. Its a nationwide drive we are taking part in and clothes are really pouring in. it makes me feel so productive, like I'm doing something positive not just for the kids in my programs, but for the needy, and combining the two is so amazing to me.Check out the 'Give it Away' clothing drive at www.lifeteen.com, you can probably find a parish near you that is doing it. The national goal is 50,000lbs of clothes, we set a parish goal of 500lobs, I think were over half -way there and we still have the main collection over a week away!!!!

And last but not least, a mom came in to register her kids for classes yesterday and asked if she could help with anything because she heard from so many people what a great program we have and thinks the changes I've made a re exciting and good for the community....and I was so happy and honored and a little dumbfounded, because I usually mostly hear the negative so that was major cool :)


Okay punks, was that upbeat enough for you????

"I'm not quite dead yet"
"I feeeeeel Haaaaaapppppppppy!!!!!"

Funny and yet sad video here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kkoq5_pN7E


Happy Thursday!!!


Love always,
Your friendly neighborhood spiderman,
Annie

Manifesto Politico: I'm not political, but my world is...

I usually could care less about politics...especially when idiots in the media and Hollywood celebrities and extremists on polarized sides of the party dichotomy are all chiming in, constantly, everywhere you turn, loudly and obnoxiously and relentlessly.

Since when did it become okay for educated.... forget that, lets go with mildly intelligent people.... to act as if anyone who disagrees with them is automatically ignorant. What the hell is a pundit and who cares what they think?????

Obviously all of these very important people reporting, not the news, but their opinions and leanings, should be listened to and revered, when they can manage to not talk over each other...because the only opinion worth having, expressing and worth listening too, is theirs.

Pundits and politicians have quietly hijacked us as country and a people, taking the greed ridden, wide and easy road to perdition, corrupting a system our patriotic and sacrificing military families depend on to be just and honor their sacrifice....corrupting social programs with our tax dollars, corrupting our environment with unregulated pollution, abusing our privacy and our human rights and our religious freedom. All t he while most of the masses sit by unaware watching idiotic shows like "The View" and "Flava-flav's" latest journey towards love...or believing everything the New York Times or The New York Post have to say about anything political ...but really caring more about Page Six gossip.

And I have always known but never really tried to care too much, because I feel too insignificant to be able to change anything except my own mood by thinking about it...

I guess today was just the last straw on expressing my anger because more soldiers died yesterday and no one reported it ...because you can only hear about the 4160 Iraq and Afghanistan casualties if you go to iCasualties.com...and because the fall out is economic, and that is all that people seem to care about....most people don't even realize that we owe China trillions of dollars....and there has been yet another bail out...85 billion tax payer dollars to an insurance company while the CEO's keep their millions and their houses and their boats...and while the pundits and politicians sound off and fight while never addressing the real issue, that the corrupt military industrial complex controls our nation. (most people in the country are unaware of what the military industrial complex even is)

On a personal note, I know two people who have died in the war, whose lives were given for love a country that isn't loving them back the right way...whose families must go one without them forever and will never be the same...I have a few friends and acquaintances over there and my sister Kathy, being active duty Air Force, knows so many families affected by this war... and I just feel there has to be a better answer than cut and run or stay indefinitely... where is the middle ground to solve this? I don't pretend to know...but someone running should have better answers than any of the ones I heard so far... I'm dissatisfied... I want something better

The economy is such a mess...we're headed for 'grapes of wrath' 21st century style pretty soon...and I'm frustrated...

We are stuck with these ridiculously evil insurance companies and banks with unwarranted bail outs when they should all be going to jail...but they won't because they fund the political campaigns...viva the lobbyists...

My experience of the insurance company is this:

My health insurance company, which has never forgotten to take money from my small paycheck, refuses to pay my medical bills I incurred while in Peru building an orphanage....and refuse to tell me why...difficult doesn't describe my phone calls....ridiculous doesn't describe the run-a-round I get...

And my federal government can give the insurance company billions more....but can't seem to get my $600 'stimulus' check to me...which is more than I make each week... and quite another run-a-round...

I heard yesterday that the government controls 1 dollar out of every 5 that you spend...that's not a lot really...20 bucks out of every hunderd....20%...not too darn bad ...IF IF IF they were a good steward of that dollar!!!! We get a lot for that dollar in theory and sometimes in reality, on local level definitely(depending on your home town, mine is pretty good), police and firemen, infrastructure and ......'government'....

That last part....the national part....ugghhhh...I feel like when I give my dollar to the 'government' I'm giving money to a straight up crack head..no ....two crack heads fighting over the last bit of crack in the neighborhood....all they can think about is the crack...but they are so strung out...they are not clever enough to see the best way to get the crack...or that they probably shouldn't be a crack head if they want to stay alive very long....

I think its a good analogy....china and corrupt CEOs and lobbyists are the drug dealers...and republicans and democrats and public ignorance are the warring crack heads and for some reason...we, the smart people, with no money and no power.... can't do anything about it...are like the wise old grandma in the crackhead zone who just locks herself in her apartment and prays for things to get better...but will probably be shot accidentally in a drive by...

I know I should be able to continue to rise above such things and be a true Christian in my thoughts and actions...but this constant abuse is mild in my own personal case that I relay...I still have a paycheck and I can pay my rent and buy food...many people can't....and when I think of them and how helpless they must feel...I feel like my anger is of the righteous persuasion, like Jesus and the money changers in the temple....


I'm just wondering when and how Christians might rise up together and 'flip over' some carts of those corrupt people...

and I guess I need to stop watching the news so much because dang I hate pundits and politicians a whole heck of a lot more than the healthy amount right now...

I got my voting location assigned to me today and although I will vote, because I have to in order to feel worthy of an opinion, to not be hypocritical...but it feels a bit more than hopeless....

This is totally another topic now..but anyway...even though its 'taboo' and 'against women' and 'anti-feminist' and 'archaic'- all things I have been called for feeling this way...this is how I will vote...and why...

Not just because the other issues I talked about above are not going to go away or going to be solved very productively in all likelihood, but mainly because it is a more important issue to me.
I will have to, morally, religiously, vote on the paramount issue of the right to life, because without the right to exist, all other issues become mute...Abortion to me, is not one issue among many, but holds more importance because the issue of life is more important than any other: the economy, the war the environment, all of it is nothing to me compared to a human life. Some people say, "What about the life of the soldier", and that is true, be he at least had his own voice and choices. And people will say, "What about the environment?" Well, what about all the environmentalists, possibly a great one, being aborted....Or I love this one" What about the woman" What about cause and effect, if you don't want a child that badly..then control your own body before hand...and if you make a mistake....How is the government obligated to allow you to be so selfish as to not give 9 months to a life to you created, geez just be an incubator there are so many groups out there to help..."it is a poverty that a human being must die, so you can live as you wish"- Mother Theresa.....
To me, its more important issue to be alive and to have a voice...it just IS....maybe a great politician, who could help us out of this mess is being aborted right this moment, or has been already.

And because Obama thinks that issue is above his pay grade...my vote is not wanted by him...because I believe that to seek the office is to have the responsibility to those you represent, all those, in and out of the womb...its all about location really...location location location...and the uterus is a bad location for the fetus in danger these days.... I could never vote for him.

I heard a woman on the radio today...she is 31 and survived a saline abortion as a 7 and 1/2 month old fetus. She would have been killed outside the womb if the abortion doctor had been there, but he was late that morning and a nurse called an ambulance....

She has cerebral palsy and other developmental problems...the mother that tried to abort her kept her for 3 months until she was taken away by CPS...she was adopted at age three, she has run 2 marathons. She is now a 'born-alive' advocate, working to protect the rights of children, babies, fetuses...that survive abortion, a voice for the voiceless...

Obama has voted against 'born alive' legislation 4 times...
so....I will vote McCain...sadly the lesser of two evils type of vote...hypocritical a bit...on the other issues...but not enough so to have me vote for a pro-choice candidate, that would be more hypocritical to me.

I would like to vote for Ron Paul, but he's not running anymore...I loved him with Nader on 'The Situation Room' interviewed by Wolf Blitzer (uggghhhh blitzer), that was a cool interview

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEw0qKjP7hk

I really really really wish Nader was Pro-Life

....I would like to vote 3rd party candidates, but all of them are either 'pro-choice' or ignore abortion as an issue...I've researched them all, Nader, Barr...etc...etc...and it seems to me that most 3rd party candidates lean towards some sort of social fascism, socialism, or marxism and all lack the unborn as a platform issue...

When I first registered to vote, it was in New York State's Right to Life Party, I didn't know at the time that this party only existed in New York...and now it no longer exists. There is a National Right to Life Committee, but no party...I have no party ....

Good video about the two party corruption here: http://www.ronpaul.com/, third video down...Ron Paul's statement to the nation, September 10th

In the words of homer...not the real one, but the simpson...
"don't blame me I voted for kodos"....

I am party-less woman...But here are some fun definitions of the third parties out there !!!

lol

http://www.politics1.com/parties.htm


And I'm done...

a few old poems I found while cleaning my computer out :)

Love Lived

The beauty of a moment captured in time

Of peace that cannot be shattered

Preserved by an insight

Conveyed by a vision

No longer a mere moment but a truth to behold

The gift of a life dedicated to love

A life of a prayer that is lived

A blanket when cold

A visit when loneliness creeps

A warm sweet kisses on your head

Profound in devotion

This love is reflex

in world of chaos and confusion

Compassion replaces the cacophony

At last, the sanity of love

And a lifetime of moments to gather

Summer Silence

The sand washes in over a forgotten beach

Life continues of course

But will not be the same

I remember that summer day when I last saw you

What I would have said, have done, had I known

The days seemed so endless, yet they ended so abruptly

And for you they were far to few

The bleached benches still stand

And the hot pavement too,

Wreaking havoc on the feet of small children

There are a few people here today

A party or a a barbecue

Ignoring them is effortless

My mind is a place far from here

There's no life away from you

Life itself seems like background noise

There is a profound silence

And it is reigning in my head

I break through it to ponder how I stand here alone

And I think of how it should be you instead

My heart is filling with a longing

Never to be realized, never to leave me

Every question unanswered until we meet again

The summer of silence plays on

And on

And on

Unaware

I sit and I ponder and my mind wanders endlessly

The subjects dancing about in constant flux

Inside my head s a myriad of musings

Can you understand?

Is it true that anyone could?

I could let you in for a peek

And I suppose that I will, that I already have

Just don't get to cozy in my thoughts

This is my sanctuary, this is mine

So be my guest for a time, but then you must go

Who can you trust with a thought that is your own?

These have taken a while to reclaim from a certain intruder

Before I knew it he was there in my head

He was there, I let him in and I was caught

I had shared a part of myself

And now I wonder more than ever before

Is my life on shelf?

Are my thoughts part of another tale?

Yes, and now they are free for anyone to read.

How improbable.

It won't happen again

You were here to browse and now you can go

The depths belong only to me

So sorry if I accidentally caught you

Just as he caught me

So unaware...

Lets get emotional girls to all wear mood rings...

If perceptive is a mood than my mood ring reads: Blue with perceptiveness

The blog title is a quote from a Relient K song....

I actually don't really like the song much....but I do ....sometimes... depending on my mood...hahaha...see what I did there? Did you? Because it was clever...

So if you are interested, the song is "Mood Rings" by Relient K.

I feel like I've been having mood swings lately... but they're more like perspective shifts, and more painful than a mood swing....

I have had a tendency towards a very secular thinking the past few months/weeks...and it has definitely effected my moods. "Secular" is a word used to describe ones mood only by someone who has been immersed in a lifestyle that is completely, COMPLETELY, Christ centered...intense non-secularism, such as living in a van doing Catholic teen ministry for two years. To a missionary, even just a retired one that worked with American teens, 'secular ' is considered a dirty word. Secular...its like knowing that Jesus is your soul's water, food and life force, and deciding to be a spiritual anorexic.

It seems no matter how far time removes me from that experience it is still so intensely ingrained in my psyche, that whenever my life starts to slowly divorce from that way of life and thinking, something feels fundamentally 'off', as if I'm spinning out of my own orbit.

Let me try to explain that thought process...

I know I have told many a negative horror story about that experience. But nearly every negative experience I had on that 'van trip' derived directly from the negative actions of a person, whether that person was a teammate or myself, it had nothing to do with God's love for me, yet everything to do with his plan for me. In Roman St. Paul says, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" "I do what I do not want to do, and I do not do the things I should." That part is easy to understand, its the human condition. Being part of a mission team in no way eliminates the human condition. If anything, the circumstances you live under are a catalyst for situations hat exacerbate it. The difference for me was, that for most of my time there, not only was I the best version of myself I have ever been, but that I was keenly, super sensitively aware of that fact. Which made the time, when I was that better version of self, so sweet, like basking in what heaven would be like someday. A ten hour travel day across North Dakota seemed like an amazing opportunity to spend with friends and see the country and 'be' together in God s presence, and pray, and sing and laugh and love and be in His beautiful world, and months seem at times like minutes....when I was that best version. And when I would fall away, The ten hour trip from West Virginia to Wisconsin was a road that was never ending and riddled with potholes and anger directed at these people I forced to spend countless hours with....minutes would seem like years and every emotion became so intense and painfully realistic due to my heightened awareness of self and of those around me.

It has been 7 years and I can still so easily tap into the negative emotions and experiences that are very easy to share with friends and family. its always easier to gossip than to hold ones tongue or *gasp* to evangelize....And so, the positive experiences, which far outnumber and outweigh the negative in both substance and truth, are so much less tangible to me, so much harder to grasp at with my memory and emotions...and it frustrates me...

And I've realized, it is because I have to be that better version of self in order to feel the positive emotions clearly. And I've come to understand that the reason I fall into my "mood swings' is because being that better version self takes more hard work and prayer and discipline of the human will than I give these days.

Working at a church is a price club of excuses that I am all too willing to shop for and have an limitless credit card.

Hence the mood swings, because I do the things I do not want to do, but have a keenly sensitive awareness of what I'm doing to myself and to others by making poor choices...

I feel so very happy and fulfilled when I'm playing in my praise and worship band or when I take time to journal and pray, like I used to live my life on my mission...
Conversely, watching TV and living without journaling or doing active things for my personal faith, not work related stuff for others...makes me feel depressed and empty.

Yet, I don't even take time to do what I know will help me because I don't feel like I'm worth the effort...and its a vicious circle...

Music has played a big part ion my moods the past few weeks
So, here are is what have tended to listen to when I've been down.

I call it play list for depression, not bad songs, pretty good actually, but they don't help me pull myself up...they don't have any focus on a positive emotion, it is as if emotions just exist without anything outside of self or others that can influence the human condition, they are 'secular' in that they contain no Christ figure...and I know that it is only Christ is what will help me...so the music is good, addictive almost. It doesn't help me but I keep listening anyway:

Second hand serenade: "Fall for you"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_JDeA8uTVU
Linkin' Park: "Shadow of the Day"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_eEE12R8Gw
Blue October: "Hate Me"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOziJi-1hHE
Cold Play: "Fix You"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBEYyHGbwto


And my transitional song that brought me this realization and is encourages me to be happier and focus on the positives and live a life of love without regret or doubt or sloth...

Brave Saint Saturn: Daylight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZ48C8z7aOQ
My favorite lines from this song are:

"And this silence is for nothing, desperate, I search the skies, aching for a spark, trembling in pitchest dark!!!! Daylight save me, daylight save me, tonight oh tonight"

"Jesus Christ light of the world, you never did forget me, and when I fell in darkness, you held me, still held me. When desperate nights I cursed you, you loved me, still loved me. Jesus Christ you dry the tears, you break my heart of stone."

"A heart of flesh you gave me only you can save me"

Listening to this song that is sung with such painful passion, reminded me of everything I want to be about, and how intricate Jesus is to the plan for me, pain and suffering on the path to his love and glory...and how completely whole and happy I feel when I live that way...

Jesus is my gravity to sanity...that's my own line and its a cool one...and I want to remind myself to listen to this song when I start to slip into my human sinfulness again, so that that gravity can pull me back, no matter how hard it is to submit to the gravity, the truth, the Lord.

Sometimes people wonder why I work for the church and a large part of my answer is: Because I'm constantly 'chasing that feeling' from my mission trip. Because I know my only hope of my best version of self is immersion...intrinsically selfish if you think about it...

And when I get back to my orbit of Christ....this is my happy Jesus Play list:
Songs full of passion and hope, that bring light to our world. This is more to me that just music. This music defines my emotions for me in a tangible way, especially when I'm playing it. This music is a conversation between myself and God, in thanksgiving for the past, hope for the future, embrace of his plan and love for his people. It is music that ignites my spirit and brings meaning to my presence within his plan for his people and for me.



Chris Tomlin: " God of this City"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d61LamkXfwk
Charlie hall: "Marvelous Light"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oA2ka7tnh8
Hillsong United: :"Mighty to save"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sR8rlTIU8_Y
and Chris Tomlin: "Everlasting God"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXsYaBQGbM0



Now I just need to remember all that and I'm good to go...but I have no doubt, my mood will swing again, and acutely at that...

ahhh the humanity

I love Jesus :)

thoughts on faith family and nostalgia -"You Never Let Go"

When clouds cover the sun, and disaster comes, oh my soul oh my soul...
when waters rise and hope takes flight, oh my soul oh my soul

Oh my soul

Ever faithful ever true, you alone, you never let go

you never let go

When clouds brought rain and disaster came, oh my soul oh my soul

When waters rose, and hope had flown, oh my soul, oh my soul

oh my soul...

Ever faithful ever true, you alone, you never let go

You never lot go, you never let go you never let go

Joy and pain, sun and rain, you're the same, you never let go

These are a few of the lyrics to a David Crowder song and they do not make me think of an actual storm, although I could imagine that this song would be inspiring to people that have suffered through something like Hurricane Katrina and find hope int he Lord. For me the light music at the beginning of this song stirs something childlike in my soul, and having recently visited home with my brother Chris, his wife Krissy, my sister Maria, and her kids Jack and Kate, I am feeling sentimental. My sentimentality stems from remembering a life I've left behind in a town I barely recognize, a childhood where I was loved and mostly safe and occasionally surrounded by chaos and tragedy in the lives of those around me. When I find myself thinking about Long Island, everything in my soul feels bittersweet, and yet I always return and something inside me always stirs when I get off the ferry in Orient Point and see that sign saying, "Welcome to New York"

I was home this past weekend for a bridal shower for my friend Christine, one of three childhood friends I still have a friendship with. It was luck and chance that Chris and Maria were there as well. Our Brother Matt called on Friday night to say hi to our parents, and I felt in his voice a kind of jealous sadness, oh.... but to live down the street, but no wait that's too close...

Why do I have such love/hate with that place? I have serious bipolar issues about it. In any given week I can have two to three conversations about it with people up here. "Oh Longuyland is the worst, full of strip malls and outlet malls and regional malls and more restaurants and best buys and borders than are humanly necessary anyway you look at it, and that is not even to mention the nascar watching trailer people at the Riverhead Raceway that you can hear from our house a good 8 miles away." And the next day its, " Oh I'm going to try to get to Long Island this weekend and get together with a few friends and hang at our house and go to the beach, watch a few Met Games. I love Long Island, Just wish the ferry didn't cost so much." And you see still, I write 'our house' like I live there. And while I do still have my own bedroom which is some kind of strange tribute to my high school existence mingled with 4-5 air mattresses deflated and stacked in a corner, about 10-15 Mercy High School yearbooks under the bed, and a good 300 lbs of my father's crap scattered randomly about and covered with dust... it is hardly 'my house'.

...but maybe that is what its always like when you finally sort of grow up...love/hate ...

love for freedom and the nostalgia of the goodness of your childhood home and hatred of all the stuff you hated when you were five and twelve and fifteen, and escaping from at 18; Hatred of that high school and the shallow people in it that never cared about anything important and never saw you, and hatred NOW at least for me, of being alone and responsible for so much of my life and everything I'm doing for work that is so important and can get overwhelming....

Anyway my main thought in all of this before I got so ridiculously sidetracked by an emotional self analyzing....is that maybe everything in life is love/hate and we have to learn to just 'never let go', never give up, never stop trying and striving. And this song makes me think of Jesus on the cross not letting go, it makes me think of our changing world and existing in such a morally bankrupt time where I know at least home is always there, to escape into a vacuum of time and values adn perhaps some semblance of innocence

...and above all...when I heard this song on my radio as I pulled away to take the ferry to work yesterday morning, after a weekend at home when my sister and parents gave their independent and wayward Annie a collective $250 just to get by...I thought of my mom and dad..when my mom came into my room and gave me a kiss on the cheek at 7:15 am and said, "I'm leaving honey, be safe, I love you, give us a call" and I thought of how my dad gave me a fierce hug and kiss and tried to give me more money and told me to call when I got to the ferry ( and again when I got to my office...and again when I got home that night) and to be sure I drove careful (he is constantly all over the road by the way)

As I got into my car and this song started and I watched my father stand on the porch until he couldn't see me anymore and I know...he will never let go...and that the siblings I am close to, none of us will...no matter how far we go, Maria, Kathy, Chris and Matt...we will never let go of that, as hard as it is to get along and to see each other in the same place at the same time, and we will probably never live on Long Island again, but we will never let go, because that is who we are and that is what family does...it doesn't let go... and for me at least, a huge part of not letting go is cheesy nostalgia and rose colored glasses of 20-20 hind sight but a bigger part is my faith in Jesus, and growing up knowing no matter how good or bad things got "joy and pain, sun and rain, you're the same" I always knew that He loved me and wasn't going to let go. And I just want to be that in my life to the people I love, someone who never lets go.

My family is huge part of that to me, whether I am that for them or not, doesn't matter so much...

Maybe Longuyland and Long Island are both parts of that too...

And tomorrow I am going to say goodbye to my brother Michael who is moving to Missouri and I pray for him, that he can be better and somehow realize too... that even if you let go, you can come back and that I don't want to let go of him.